Love Song for my Former Self

An old Shakira song came up on my ipod today, and it made me think not of the men I usually think of when I hear love songs, but of my old self. The one I've been grieving. You know, the one with energy to spare, chasing the wind.

El cielo esta cansado ya de ver la lluvia caer

Y cada dia que pasa es uno mas parecido ayer

No encuentro forma alguna de olvidarte porque

Seguir amandote es inevitable.

The sky is tired of watching the rain fall

And every day goes by much the same as yesterday

I can't find any way of forgetting you because

To keep on loving you is inevitable. 
(The translations in this post are literal translations, not her English version, which is linked below, because the words are different enough that I don't know that I would've felt the same way)

Usually, when I hear a song like this, I think about somebody I've loved and lost. This time, I realized, I was singing along for myself. What a strange feeling. A love song for my former self.

I'm learning to deal with the losses, and I think today just hit harder because it is gray and rain/snowing, and my body is particularly resentful. I'm tired of feeling like something's coming on, and I'm tired of every day being the same. I'm tired of rationing my energy, and I'm tired of this weather, and I'm tired of being at home, and, and, and, and. And I really want to go get my hair trimmed, but going to the hairdresser is out of the question. Way too many marbles are required for that kind of outing. I'd have to save up for a week, and give up another week to recover.

Siempre supe que es mejor, 

Cuando hay que hablar de dos, 

Empezar por uno mismo

Ya sabras la situaction, 

Aqui todo esta peor,

Pero al menos aun respiro

No tienes que decirlo,

no vas a volver,

Te conozco bien

I always knew it was better

When we have to speak of two

To start with oneself

You must know the situation

Everything here is worse

But at least I'm still breathing

You don't have to say it,

You won't be back

I know you well

In this process of mourning my losses, it is better to start with what is now. With who I am now; who I have to be now. I may still be breathing, and pacing myself, and doing better than just getting by, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. I have to find a way to accept that the past is gone. It is. That's just it. It's past. I'm a different person now, with different needs, different desires, and different goals.

The more I can remember that, the more I can believe it, and accept it, the better I can deal with my daily reality. But that doesn't mean I can't keep loving who I was, and that I don't miss that carefree spontaneous creature that still longs for expression. It is, after all, inevitable.

Full lyrics for the Engish version, and the original in Spanish (which I personally prefer) and the video in Spanish and English.