I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Thursday, 31 March 2011

Love Song for my Former Self

An old Shakira song came up on my ipod today, and it made me think not of the men I usually think of when I hear love songs, but of my old self. The one I've been grieving. You know, the one with energy to spare, chasing the wind.

El cielo esta cansado ya de ver la lluvia caer
Y cada dia que pasa es uno mas parecido ayer
No encuentro forma alguna de olvidarte porque
Seguir amandote es inevitable.

The sky is tired of watching the rain fall
And every day goes by much the same as yesterday
I can't find any way of forgetting you because
To keep on loving you is inevitable. 
(The translations in this post are literal translations, not her English version, which is linked below, because the words are different enough that I don't know that I would've felt the same way)

Usually, when I hear a song like this, I think about somebody I've loved and lost. This time, I realized, I was singing along for myself. What a strange feeling. A love song for my former self.

I'm learning to deal with the losses, and I think today just hit harder because it is gray and rain/snowing, and my body is particularly resentful. I'm tired of feeling like something's coming on, and I'm tired of every day being the same. I'm tired of rationing my energy, and I'm tired of this weather, and I'm tired of being at home, and, and, and, and. And I really want to go get my hair trimmed, but going to the hairdresser is out of the question. Way too many marbles are required for that kind of outing. I'd have to save up for a week, and give up another week to recover.

Siempre supe que es mejor, 
Cuando hay que hablar de dos, 
Empezar por uno mismo
Ya sabras la situaction, 
Aqui todo esta peor,
Pero al menos aun respiro
No tienes que decirlo,
no vas a volver,
Te conozco bien

I always knew it was better
When we have to speak of two
To start with oneself
You must know the situation
Everything here is worse
But at least I'm still breathing
You don't have to say it,
You won't be back
I know you well

In this process of mourning my losses, it is better to start with what is now. With who I am now; who I have to be now. I may still be breathing, and pacing myself, and doing better than just getting by, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. I have to find a way to accept that the past is gone. It is. That's just it. It's past. I'm a different person now, with different needs, different desires, and different goals.

The more I can remember that, the more I can believe it, and accept it, the better I can deal with my daily reality. But that doesn't mean I can't keep loving who I was, and that I don't miss that carefree spontaneous creature that still longs for expression. It is, after all, inevitable.

Full lyrics for the Engish version, and the original in Spanish (which I personally prefer) and the video in Spanish and English.


  1. It is LOVE, very ordinary, human LOVE, and not fear, which is the good teacher and the wisest judge.
    ~~~Jane Rule~~~

  2. This makes me think about longing for our childhood - we really can't ever be that free and wild again, but we can remember it and recapture some of it now and again. Same with our teens and our 20's - lifestyles and naivity that we can't recapture, but we can celebrate it once in a while and recreate that energy for an evening or an afternoon. But it also means we've let go of the limitations, aniety and fears from those phases too. We are so much more in tune now and aware so we can appreciate things we never did when we were yonger. So here's to mid-life, to being older and wise (and achier and crankier :) and to all the wonderful new and different experiences to come!

  3. Thank-you. I think I needed to hear that it's not only my illness, but my stage in life.
    Here's to embracing the cantankerous in us!