Landing

It's been about a month now that I'm home. It still feels like a new experience. I'm most definitely still in a period of adjustment and reorientation, and I am more at peace with that than ever before.

My kitchen has yet to back up to the point I have to call in for reinforcements. A day at most of unwashed dishes. We've done the laundry - once (it's a good thing we both have plenty of underpants). We mopped the floor in the entryway once. I've had a few showers. My son is having regular showers. We're both sleeping well. We're both eating well. My fridge is not full of rotting food.

We finished a jigsaw puzzle and started a new one - my child is now at the age that he can actually do puzzles at my level, which is really impressive. This time he even let us do it "my way" (not edges first). We've watched a ton of movies and ordered pizza a few times. He's had friends over, and I've had friends over.

And we are finally getting into our routines again. We moved back in during the winter break. Then the first week back we had a surprise day off when a water main burst in the school building. And so this is the first week back home and back at school. My mom is kindly still preparing his lunches, so that's one less thing for me to worry about and spend energy doing.

So what's getting in my way is not having a flow yet - I get the essentials done, and am looking for ways in which to do less and still get what needs to be done done. A big impediment to this flow is the accumulation of stuff. Where there is a flat surface there is stuff. My son and I are both terrible with this. We put something down for a sec, and it stays there until all of a sudden we need that space for something, and there's no room left. Problem? Well, yes, because I get frustrated, go to a sympathetic response, out of the moment, and all that stuff. Better reaction, and no problem is when I am present and aware enough to look, accept, and choose to do or not do. So the stuff itself is not the problem as much as my reaction to it.

In a therapy lesson a while back I learned that I can actually say "I see you mess, and you're really bugging me, and I'm going to ignore you for now," and mean it. This allows me to acknowledge my reaction, dispel the guilt/disgust/shame/negativity, and take action (yes, willfully ignoring something counts as action). I'm practicing this a lot since I got home.

"Yes, laundry, I know you need to be done, and you will wait for me to be ready." "Hello, dishwasher, I see you need to be emptied. I see you too, crowded countertop. I will get to you both later." "It's ok, there are crumbs on the floor. I don't need to do anything about those right now." "Ah yes, overflowing recycling... you can wait for the boy to take you out later."

What I'm most happy about in terms of all this housekeeping stuff, is how much responsibility my son has taken on. The one day I had a little meltdown because I was feeling so overwhelmed, he hugged me, and then wordlessly and of his own volition emptied the dishwasher, refilled and set it. When asked, he is willing to help with just about anything. It's really beautiful, and it's really nice to see how all the effort I put into his early years is working for him.

Where I'm focusing now is bringing consciousness to what I do. Whether it's ignoring things, engaging in escapism, actually doing things, or just being, I'm making awareness and consciousness my priority. This way I'm not judging my self, my environment, my situation. Just seeing what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. What do you with your day every day is what you do with your life. I want to live in awareness. That happens moment by moment. Dish by dish, mess by mess, game by game, puzzle piece by puzzle piece.

I am landing in my life. Again. Every landing is a little different...