I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
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Sunday, 5 January 2014

Presence and my Immune system

In the last few months, I've had several colds. The exciting thing has been that they actually feel like colds. For the last three years, every time I've had a cold, it's felt like an intensification of my usual symptoms. I didn't get runny noses, or congestion (although my sinuses did get backed up), coughs or sore throats. Now, though, that's exactly what happens, and strange as it may seem, it is great news! It means my immune system is working somewhat normally! When I wake up and can't breathe and my throat is all scratchy, I feel happy and relieved. Weird but true.

So with my immune system actually functional, my so far successful homecoming, and my energy reserves continuing to build, I'm once again feeling cautiously optimistic about my prognosis. Especially so because even through the several colds I've had the last few months, I've been able to stay present and relatively embodied. That is pretty cool - and a huge accomplishment for me.

What really knocked me out back in March was a cold that I didn't pay attention to; it was my incredible skill for dissociation that allowed me to completely ignore all of my symptoms. Yes, they were there, even if they were more subtle because of my rising functionality levels. Once my Osteopath and Therapist both said the same thing, and agreed that it was problematic, I had to choose - to dissociate or deal. I chose to deal. Or at least bring awareness to my dissociative states and tendencies, which pretty much automatically ends the dissociation. It's neat how that works.

Here's the other super important reason I need to stay present and embodied: my new protocols around the mycotoxins and macrophages are really individual. The optimal doseage is different for everybody and as my doctor put it, "just under the overreaction." This means I have to actually get to a point of overreaction (which feels like my colds used to feel - a vaguely viral feeling accompanied by greater fatigue) in order to pull back to the right place. In order to know when the overreaction happens, I have to be able to feel it, which means being in my body, and not in la-la land, nice as it may be. If I don't, I could cause some really serious damage. So there's some serious motivation, eh?

Here I am once again exploring how my emotional, spiritual, and physical lives are so incredibly intertwined that the best way to help myself past this physiological challenge that is ME/CFS is to clean up on my emotional and spiritual planes as much as I possibly can. I'm happy about this. I've always been into bettering myself, so this fits in well. It's good for me anyway, because even if my illness never abates, I will be in a better place to deal with it. In fact, no matter what life throws at me from here on, I'll be better able to look at it, hopefully with some semblance of equanimity.

That's where I'm going. And my son is more important than this blog, so that's it for now.


  1. Congratulations on having a normal person cold. I think :)