I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
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Saturday, 31 December 2011

Obligatory New Year's Post

Yes, it's true. 2011 is over. And naturally, as human beings, we look back at the year, with nostalgia, with joy, with pain... and we make plans for the next year. I am no different. Reflection is a natural state for me, especially now. So I am looking back, and amazingly, am doing so and feeling joy at all that has transpired.

Let us review. January was the month I received my diagnosis, and I started to really learn about what was happening to my body. It was when I made the decision to stop working, and utterly and completely changed my life. I spent most of January in bed - actually on the couch, because I don't particularly like lying in bed during the day. I figured out how to watch TV online effectively. And yet the world wasn't really spinning... it was actually slowing down... looking back, it was hard but not as hard as before I knew. Getting the diagnosis made everything start to settle, and the world stopped spinning, even though the changes were intense. I was very well supported through these changes though, as my family and I struggled together to understand what the hell was happening, and why, and what to do about it.

February was mostly inner work, dealing with emotions of grief - remember those? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression... I am still impressed that even through everything, and considering my history, I did not fall into a depression this year. In February I started this blog, and began a pattern of proactive behaviour that allowed me to stay positive, being healing on all levels and help myself. Since then, there have been over 7,000 visits to these pages, which is as gratifying as it is surprising. I don't think I expected anyone beyond my immediate family to be reading these words, but I'm glad you're here, and I hope reading about my journey has helped you in some way.

Through the winter months, and into the spring, there was a real journey through the stages of grief, over and over, back and forth and in and out. But never one to stay still for too long (even when it's good for me), I joined several online forums, and found that by reaching out to others in similar situations I could mitigate my own journey. By asking for, receiving, and giving support to and from those who understood that journey, I found myself better able to handle my illness. I could help people in my f2f world understand better, thanks to what people in my online world were telling me. And I know I helped several people navigate some tough situations too.

The summer was a blossoming for me, rather than the spring this year. Summer is when I started to re-engage with the outside world, and when I began to really recognize my accomplishments, in every aspect of my being. I went camping, and thrived. I survived a rough couple of weeks with my parents away, my son at camp, and some child-related medical issues. And because I was healing inside and out, I learned how to make a space for my own emotions, and did not allow them to overpower me - and I think that is the biggest shift I could ever have made. That shift allowed me to not only get through these experiences, and through the ups and downs of the illness which were many. But it wasn't just getting through them. When I created a space for my anxiety and stopped letting it control me, I also created a space within which I could thrive.

This fall was an even bigger season of change. As the earth around me settled into a long winter, I grew, and flourished. I started seeing my osteopath, and my aunt came for a visit, and those two things changed everything, in a really gentle and (I still hope) lasting way. They reconnected me to my spiritual life and directed me back inwards. I stopped going to online forums, and started cultivating friendships instead - this is where I thank my new and very special 4 online friends for being the amazing support you've been to me, personally (and no, I don't think it's a coincidence that the boards that were the biggest draw for me went down at the same time). All of these things helped me to see past my physical reality and really connect with the fact that my life is still full of meaning and is a fulfilling one, and that leads me straight into a great start for the coming year.

I don't believe the world is actually going to end this year, but I do believe that it is going to change dramatically. Whether we see those changes now, or whether sociologists and historians see them 50 years from now, I don't know. But I do know that power bases are shifting, that the energy that surrounds us all is shifting, and I think it is vibrating at a higher level, which makes some people very uncomfortable, and makes others feel more at home. There is a greater international awareness than there has ever been, and more and more of us are stepping into our personal power. I see it everywhere.

I don't put much stock into resolutions, because as my dear friend Michelle said in her blog, we should all be making changes in our lives when the time is right to make the changes. And I have been making changes for a long long time. That will not stop, nor will it change, just because today is the 31st of December. So no New Year's resolutions from me - just a desire for the world to keep changing, for us all to keep healing, and for a year of meaningful and loving existence for all of those whom I love (which, when speaking on a spiritual level includes pretty much everyone and everything).

Happy 2012 - may this year bring you more of the good than the bad, and may it bring more laughter than tears. Thank-you for taking this journey with me, and let's make many more journeys together!

1 comment:

  1. My words fly up, my thoughts remain below;
    Words without thoughts never to heaven go.
    ~~~William Shakespeare~~~

    2012 here WE come.
    I love you so much XOXOXO