Change and the Physiological Response

Oh. My. God! I just got it. I wrote the title to this, and I got it. See, this is why I blog! Wow.

I was about to write that my dear friend, Maggie, who sometimes comments on my posts, came over last night, and we both being so intrigued by life, brains, and personal growth, got to talking about my brain and symptoms, and those of someone close to her with a mental health issue, and how they compare (a lot of them are frighteningly similar). Then I wrote "Change and the Physiological Response" and I flashed to this morning, and my involvement with the Montessori Canadian centenary celebration, and my involvement with people in general, and my distinct need to cocoon, especially when flaring. It all makes sense now.

Ok, let me go back a bit. Before I went into a state of extreme healing, I had some resistance to change, as we all do. However, I was also incredibly spontaneous, and made a real effort through most of my adult life to let go of that, and I was quite successful - you have to be to a) live with my family, and b) work in a Montessori setting. No option. At all. But since I've been home, I've been getting this really strong reaction to the slightest unexpected situations. I know how it comes off - it comes off as me being cranky and stubborn. But it's not - it's an actual physiological response.
Maggie's personal insight was huge in getting me there, especially because of her background in BioChemistry and in Mental Health, not to mention how well she knows me. She was talking about how this person in her life with reacts really badly to change, and how it is a recognized aspect of her illness - once a course is set in her mind, it is for all practical purposes, imperative for her that it is followed. She has a physiological reaction to changes in that course, no matter how small or how irrelevant, which triggers further symptoms. Maggie was telling me how she had learned to cope with that in her relationship with this person - by purposely being vague with her plans and not making any commitments unless she is sure she can follow through. I jokingly asked her to share some tips with my family, which is when I realized that is the exact same thing that happens to me.

When there is no plan, it's not a big deal to change it. And when there is a rough plan, well, it's not ideal, but it's a rough plan, and those can change. But when there is a plan, it is actually mentally painful for me to change it. And it matters little whether or not that change will actually affect me or the general plan - it's a change, and that is bad. Now, the severity of this changes with my overall level of functioning on any given day, or any given moment for that matter. The worse my flare, the less flexible I can be. Sometimes, it's something as little as a sudden change in topic of conversation - my mother, whose mind is superbly flexible, jumps around often making really cool connections, knows this, because I sometimes stop her and say - 'kay, go back, I missed a step. Other times, my old self comes out to play and embraces spontaneous activity or changes in plans. But mostly, I have to work at it, sometimes more, sometimes less. And this is a fact of life, one that I have struggled with in the past, but have come to fully accept and truly enjoy - everything changes, and things happen unexpectedly; there are no straight lines in nature, no hard and fast plans to follow - even the strongest genetic plans are highly dependent on their environment. But my brain doesn't seem to like it very much at all.

I can imagine, from your end - Mom, Dad, and dear sister, this is directed at you, because you are the ones who bear the brunt of this, because it is with you that I most often make plans that are therefore the most often changed, and because I know your love is unconditional - that it must be really difficult to put up with my lack of consistency in my responses to things you do on a daily basis. When one day I'm warm and welcoming, and the next I'm cranky as all get out. I know I'm not always easy to deal with, and I thank you for sticking with me. I'm hoping if you can understand the why of these sometimes combustive reactions of mine, maybe it will help you, too, and maybe it will make handling my outbursts a little bit easier...

Ok, so here's kind of what happens, using an example from a little while ago. My Mom was supposed to pick me up. She called about 10 minutes before she was supposed to be there, said my Dad would pick me up instead, and he'd be there in a couple of minutes. So in total, I lost 5 minutes at most. No biggie, right? Yeah, sure. When she called, my brain did this whirly thing to which I reacted with inner dialogue of this nature "but that not what she said was going to happen - the sky will sure fall now" only it was more frenzied. Lucky for me I've had years of therapy to help me recognize the fatalistic thinking for what it is, and I was able to turn it around, with some effort. But, the palpitations started, I felt lightheaded, unbalanced and slightly nauseated, sensory overload kicked in big time, and my left foot started to drag - and none of that is anything I can turn around. The best way I can describe it is that I feel discombobulated. It feels as though my self has been shattered and I need to bring it back together again but less so - I mean, that sounds very dramatic, and it's not as dramatic, but that's as close as I can get to the sensation. I am trying to describe an experience for which I have no words.

But it happens every time - no matter how small or insignificant the change - I have to consciously remind myself that it's not a big deal, and now I understand it is because my body is going into a sympathetic response - it is sending physiological messages that say it IS a big deal. A really big deal, because the saber-tooth tiger takes no prisoners, and the wind that is making the ferns move in my yard - well, between the hypervigilance and the overly sensitive response, I would guess that it is my primitive brain saying "Hey! That fern moved - sure it could be wind, but it's probably a saber-tooth tiger - better not take any chances, let's get ready to run!"

Now back to my big aha moment when I started writing, because I figured all that out last night.

This morning there is a committee phone call about the Montessori Canadian Centenary. Last week, I talked to both my Mom and my therapist about maybe dropping out of the committee, because I was having a really hard time coming down from my knee-jerk reactions to what is being and not being done. My therapist had me create a little chart, documenting what each committee member has done, and how it is affecting me. Well, guess what is on each of the charts, if not unexpected changes to decisions we had made and ideas we discussed? It doesn't help that I'm unable to join in conference calls, and attend many meetings, of which minimal updates are shared, which only adds to my confusion as to how decisions are reached or not reached. I want to make something really really clear here - I am not resentful of this, and I do not in any way shape or form blame the people on the committee. We are all volunteers committed to the same thing, which is hosting a really great event to celebrate our shared passion. I am aware that it is my problem that I can't make it, and my problem how I deal with my frustrations, which is exactly what I have been trying to do.

But I thought it was all about my emotional reactions to the situation, my personal style of control-freakishness, my perfectionist tendencies, my stubborn streak and so forth. And now I understand - all of those things come into play, but they are my emotional reaction to my physiological reaction to change. This insight is allowing me to create some space within which to work now, and I think I have a better place from which to make the decision whether to remain involved, and if so, how to approach the situation. It is also a great marker for me, in terms of how ready I am to integrate back into the world of people and especially organizations as I slowly emerge from my cocoon - I need to keep this in mind, big time. This is probably also partially why trying to volunteer back in November when I reached the prescribed energy levels according to the functional capacity scale backfired so badly on me (as my Osteopath predicted it would). I may have been able to handle it in terms of energy levels, but perhaps my brain was not ready - and perhaps the work my Osteopath did on my brain in the last couple of weeks is part of the reason this is coming up now in such a big way for me. And this is all a HUGE relief.

I believe that the key for me in handling this is going to be awareness, once again. If I can remain aware, when this comes up, that it is a physiological reaction, and stop my inner dialogue from following my body into a chaotic state of preparedness for danger, I can probably get back to a better balance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic responses. I am fascinated by the relationship between emotions, brain and the rest of physiology, and while I will never fully understand it, it helps me to know that this is part of what's going on. While Maggie's friend's mental health situation makes it far more difficult for her to handle the emotions brought on by the physiological reaction, I am fortunate not to have that added barrier. I can maintain that space so long as I am aware that the emotional response is being brought on by the physiological, and so long as I recognize that, I can keep it from taking hold of my whole being. It will take some practice, and some time to get this going but I know deep inside, that this can work, that I can find a way past this, even if I have to stop when I feel the reaction starting and ask for a time out.

I am so excited about this discovery - now I'm just willing something to "go wrong" so I can see how it works! Which it probably will today as I am going to the dentist, and something is bound to tax my system there.

As for you, please be patient as I figure this out :)  Oh, and know that if I sound mad about a change in plans or being interrupted, it's not personal, it's my brain trying its best to keep up!