I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
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Monday, 28 November 2011

One Year.

One year ago, my remission ended. I knew my immune system was trying to deal with a cold, and instead of lying down and letting it pass as I had during the rest of my remission, I pushed forward, because my trainer was in town, and she was speaking at a parent evening along with one of my students about the continuum of Montessori education. That was an event I could not miss. And I'm still glad I didn't miss it, for all it cost me.

I was so proud that night. My student, let's call him Gord, had written a speech about what he gained during each level of schooling. He wrote beautifully about his memories and thoughtfully about what he'd gained as a student at our school. I barely helped him polish the speech, more listened and helped him to do it himself, just like any good Montessori teacher would do. It was so good, that even his mother couldn't believe he wrote it himself.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Creepy Crawlies

The lice infestation that has several schools in the area sending kids home for a couple of months has finally hit my house. I'd been hoping against hope that we'd be spared. But alas. A part of me is laughing - I think it's funny. I really do. Part of me says no big deal. But most of me wants to go crawl under the covers with a good book and just stay there.

We managed to avoid the first two rounds of kids being sent home, and I've been checking my son's head every night as we watch TV. My sister's children have all had it, and she keeps fighting them off, but each time we think they're clear...

Tonight, as he was itching at the dinner table, I decided to do a more thorough check and did indeed found two nits. No problem, I thought, having experienced this before. Two nits is not so bad. I thought I'd just comb him out tonight, and do a treatment tomorrow with my niece and nephews.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Volunteering - second day, better results

Last time I wrote about being in the process of changing my all-or-nothing, perfectionist approach to life. It is a slow, baby-steps process, and that's why I think it's actually working. Previously, I had written about my anxieties regarding going back to the school on a volunteer basis. Putting the two together today was fan-frikkin-tastic, and I am super proud of me.

This time, instead of realizing I was being a perfectionist an hour into my time, I walked into the school with two intents: one, to let my work be good enough and not aim for perfection; two, to see how that would affect me. The result: the work is almost as good, and the differences are such that nobody but me will ever know. I feel great about doing what I did, and how I protected myself from myself.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Transitions, transitions

When I wrote the title to this post, I had the song "Traditions" running through my head. I think it's a lovely irony :)

I have realized recently that I am in a state of transition unlike I've had in a long time. It's nice, because it's not a chaotic transition, but a gentle one. And I like where I'm going, so I'm happy to take it slow.

First off, I'm starting to really see this extreme healing state as a gift that my body gave me.

I realize that while what I have did not start in my mind, my mind made things worse. My body was trying to send me messages for a long time, and each time I didn't listen, it sent stronger signals, until it just sent me home. It's like a parent with a child - the first time you do it, you get a scolding, but by the eighth time you may just get grounded.

I feel no guilt about this, no shame, no blame for not hearing the signals. I want to be clear on that. What I am dealing with is still an unknown, but all signs point to it being viral, immunological or neurological in origin - not psychological, not somatic, not mental or emotional. It is a physical reality.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Ramble and Knit

I feel like I want to write. But I can't think what to write about. My head seems strangely empty, and yet so very very full. I wonder if this is the state of contemplation I am aiming for. If so, it's good. I think. Need some time to get used to it. I am however, rather loopy at the moment, which could be the cold my son so generously shared with me getting up into the head area. Wicked headaches the last few days.

So... am I finding that wonderful restful state of compensation, or am I feeling the effects of a cold... ? Don't know. Not sure if it really matters. Guess I will find out soon enough. Still, I have nothing to write about, but I feel like I want to post something today.

Oh - I know! I can post photos of the hats and scarves I made for my sister's children.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

First Set of Volunteer Hours - Interesting experience

Since September, I have had two periods of more intense and necessary healing. Both times have been in the last two weeks, and I'm pretty sure the one I'm in now has to do with not getting enough rest last time. But both are clearly attributable to another cold, and to exertion beyond my normal abilities.

I am trying to look at this as a good thing. It really is, in so many ways. My therapist last night helped me see that I deserve forgiveness from myself for making the mistakes I made that led me here. Once I forgive myself, I can easily embrace my mistakes as stepping stones. But getting there is not always easy.

Last time I wrote, I was nervous about starting volunteer hours at the school. Right. So, I went in, and I was surprised by my initial emotional response, which was to hide in the office without seeing anyone. I was surprised by that, because previous time I was in the building, for the meeting with my rehab coordinator, I was excited to see my friends, and the mood overall (theirs and mine) was celebratory. But on Tuesday, I felt more like just getting in there, getting my stuff done and getting out. In part I think it's because I know that I need to balance out my energy use, and energy spent being excited and chatting is energy I can't spend working... but I'm also trying not to over-analyze it :)

Monday, 7 November 2011

Tomorrow - Andy the Volunteer

The sun will come out. My alarm will wake me. I will wake my child, and happy or not, he will get ready, eat breakfast and go to school. I will meet with my online support group (via skype - I am still doing that one, because unlike the boards from which I have taken a break, there is no drama here; there is no perceived need to be constantly checking in on people, threads and discussions 24/7, and there is no misdirected and spiraling anger fueled by misinformation and gossip). I will rest. I will eat lunch. I will get dressed. I will rest again. Then I will go to school.

Yes, you read that right. I am going to school.

A few weeks ago I was given the go-ahead by my naturopath to begin volunteering no more than 4 hours of flex time a week. I made the mistake of telling my OT about it thinking to get her professional advice, and next thing I know she has reported this to the insurance company (but she recommends a fixed schedule all on-site, which is contrary to flex hours... and she did not report the misgivings I shared with her about getting my personal life in order first), and I'm having meetings, and discussing projects and getting all swept up in the excitement, and now I even have forms to fill out from the insurance company to track my hours.

Friday, 4 November 2011

Another Missed Event

I am getting used to missing events I would like to attend. It's easier every time. I rarely give it a second thought nowadays. But today is a teensy bit different.

There is an association for Montessori teachers, and today is their (our!) annual conference. It is a big deal. 200 or so people who are dedicated (on some level or another) to making this a better world for our children come together to get inspired, refresh themselves, and deepen their understanding of what our profession is and does. My mother was once the president of this organization, and at another time delivered the keynote address. I am technically on the board of the association, although as you can imagine, my contributions have been minimal. I've been published in the organization's newsletter more than a couple of times. I obviously feel connected to this organization, and to the conference.

Since the year I took the Montessori training, I have attended the conference, and enjoyed the networking, the catching up, the gossip and the inspiration. But it's hard to describe what it feels like to sit next to my mother at each and every keynote address (usually in the front row, because those seats are always free, and cuz we like it up close and personal) and through every AGM. We share a mutual pride and purpose. We point things out to each other, take notes, nudge each other, giggle together, roll our eyes when it is warranted, and then we talk about it the whole way home - what we learned, what we thought was silly, who we saw, and who we didn't see. That's what we've done for the past - what is it - 7 years or so.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Compensating again - but what a great Hallow'en!

Hallowe'en is one of my favourite holidays. I get a real kick out of it every single year. This year was no exception.

Somehow, the past few years, my health was good over Hallowe'en. My first bout of extreme healing was in November, and remission came in the spring. Then, the second hit again in November of last year. But this time, one year later, I continue to be in a state of healing and cocooning. I will reflect more on having been recouping for a full year later this month. Today, though, it's all about the Eve of Hallows.

It is the first time I experience Hallowe'en from this point of view. I always knew what went into it, but this year, I guess I really realized how much I value the whole experience.

It all starts with the decorations. Since this home is still fairly new to us, we had not built up an arsenal of decorations. So we started with the shopping. And for that, there is no place better than the dollar store. Being aware of how much that trip, and then the decorating itself would impact me, I actually for once thought ahead, and got it together early.