Insomnia and my Overactive Brain

I was good last night. I really was. I stayed away from the screens. I played sudoku to calm my brain. I lit a candle, played quiet music and did some stretching and breathing. And I turned out the light, blew out the candle, and lay very very still. But my mind did not.

I tried relaxation techniques. I tried breathing. I tried shifting positions. I tried tuning out. I tried going with it. I tried letting go and letting be. And when I looked at my clock, at 4am, I thought, this is stupid, and got out my book. I finally went to sleep at 6am. I'm trying not to use the melatonin or other sleeping aids, because my Osteopath said to, and I trust her. But if this continues, I may just have to break out the pills again.

Today, I've had a couple of moments of peace - slow thoughts, moments of no-thought. But it doesn't take long at all for my brain to come crashing in again; I have to empty the dishwasher, I'd love to go out and buy a latte, too bad they out of tortilla chips, I should check my e-mails (cuz you know there are so many urgent ones waiting for me - not), expertise is overrated, Montessori changed the world, doctors suck, what if this thing in Cali doesn't work out, I wonder it there really is mold in here, blah blah blah blah, and it all happens so fast half the time I can't even identify what my thoughts really are. Except for when they become diatribes, arguments and essays in my head, which go on for-e-v-e-r (kind of like my longer musing posts, and thesis presentation). I know this is all a cover for something. It's a cover for fear.

I am afraid. I am afraid that my physical condition will not change or that it will only get worse. I am afraid that I won't be able to rise above. I am really afraid of becoming depressed. I am afraid that my isolation will only intensify. It is not easy to write these things because I am also afraid of being vulnerable, and expressing fear is in makes me feel vulnerable, even though I now by writing this out, I am getting it out of my head and lessening its power by looking at it, and that puts me in a position of personal power. That doesn't make it any easier.

I don't like fear. It's not a pleasant sensation. And I have a tendency to turn it into anxiety, which is even worse, because then my heart really gets pumping.

I even tried having a bath yesterday, to see if that would help. But I have a little old bathtub, and I don't even fit in it, so that ended up being more frustrating than relaxing after about 2 minutes. I could go to my parents' house and float in their big tub, but that would entail boots and coat, and driving, and lugging along something with which to entertain myself when I lie down for my rest afterwards (because, oddly, I do actually need a rest after a bath - curse this condition that makes even taking a bath tiring). And by the time I got back home, I'm pretty sure the positive effects would be gone.

I pulled out Eckhart Tolle's New Earth, knowing that reading it will help me, but the font is too small for me right now. And even though it's now on my e-reader so I can make the font big, I'm finding it's not the same reading it there. I want the book, pencil marks and all. So even that isn't giving me the respite I hoped for. And the worst of it, is that the more my mind broils, the less I can focus on the things that can actually help me. I have to remind myself to eat, to take my supplements, to sit while I wait for the microwave, to take the stair slow, because my mind is too busy to pay attention to what my body is saying. And that's not good.

I was hoping for a nap today to compensate, but I haven't been able to quiet my thoughts enough for that either. So here I am, getting them out, hoping that this will calm things down in there for a bit.  Hoping to find a moment or two more of peace and tranquility so I can prioritize and spend my precious little energy on the things that matter, and may actually make a difference. And not on worrying about things I have no business concerning myself with.

Tonight, I will try again. I will light my candle, stretch, play quiet music, and maybe get a little more sleep. Oh that would be nice.