I am still feeling pretty crappy. My symptoms are present and strong, my energy levels are low, and my circadian rhythms are way off. I realized yesterday that I haven't driven in more than two weeks. And this, according to my naturopath, is par for the course. And that has me feeling rather down, on top of the down-ness that comes with feeling the way I do physically.
I am now into week 2 of living with my parents. I am having a very hard time emotionally speaking. It is so much easier to busy myself, and my mind with inanities than face the emotions that this setback is bringing forth. And I understand a little bit better the dejection, jadedness, anger and bitterness that so many people who have been sick for a long time feel. But thats not who or how I want to be. So I keep working at it, but its hard to maintain a positive attitude right now.
I am waiting to hear back from the Doctor in California recommended by my Osteopath. Meantime, I had a visit with my Naturopath who reminded me that stuff like this is par for the course, that healing from anything - be it emotional trauma, medical procedures, or a virus - takes about 3 times longer for me. She reminded me that the waxing and waning if symptoms is part of this. She reminded me that we cant always find the root cause for the setbacks. She reminded me that we don't know much at all about why my body does things the way it does.
And as much as it is important to know these things, I wish so much that they were different... The gap between what I want and my reality is just too big to handle right now. And waiting for a response from the latest doctors office just brings that home even more.
It helps expressing this, and I am actually feeling somewhat better having written these words. I am glad for this forum, for this outlet. But I'm still not ok, and as ok as it is that I'm not ok, that's the way it is. But I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I just need to find a way to get grounded, and I think that is going to involve some serious cocooning.
Sometimes nothing is harder in life than just to endure. There are two types of strength. There is the strength of the wind that sways the mighty oak, and there is the strength of the oak that withstands the power of the wind. There is the strength of the locomotive that pulls the heavy train across the bridge, and there is the strength of the bridge that holds up the weight of the train. One is active strength, the other is passive styrength. One is the power to keep going, the other is the power to keep still. One is the strngth by which we overcome, the other is the strength by which we endure.
ReplyDelete~~H.Phillips~~
I love you!!!
Sigh. Thank-you. I needed that.
ReplyDelete