I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Moments of Stillness

Almost a year ago, I wrote this post: being productive vs just being
I'm still figuring it out, but I finally understand just how important this is to my well being.

I am coming to understand, through the patient ministrations of my Osteopath, and through my own sojourning, that stillness is not something to look for, or seek, but rather something to allow. Today I actually fell into it, almost literally, a couple of times. And there was silence in my head, for a couple of seconds. It was so strange.

Almost like a pressure, a space filling, like a bubble, or a balloon, or the opposite, a vacuum being created by the pulling apart of my senses.

Once I got lost in the trees. They were swaying so prettily. And there was a squirrel and everything (a black one, for those folks who don't live in Ontario and get excited by such things). And then my thoughts intruded, and I watched them go past for a bit before they became conscious.

Last night, I was trying to figure out how to fix a frame that I want to put up - but it won't go up because the back got warped when I painted it - it's only cardboard. So I had out a little box full of carefully compartmentalized and sorted nails, and I put it on the back of the couch. Hours later, when I shifted the cushion, it fell. And the nails went all over the floor. All over. Seriously. All over. And I did not have the energy to go after them at that moment.

I figured, with my son staying at my parent's house, and me hardly ever walking that way, it was safe enough. Besides, they were pretty obvious, so even if I forgot and went to walk that way barefoot, I'd see them. Or get hurt. One way or another, I'd remember to pick them up.

So today, I did. And I still didn't have all that much energy, so I did something shocking - no really, to me this is shocking, although you'd never know it to look at my cluttered and messy house - I put them away without sorting them! I really did! I decided to save that energy, and it took me far less time to gather them and put them in random slots in the box. And I felt a little odd about it - you know I like the all or nothing approach to life - but in the end, I guess I will either sort them another time, or I will just have to look a little harder for the right nail next time I use them. Which will be in another couple of months, I'm sure! But today, I beat my obsessive nature, and I'm really glad I did, because just gathering them up, I was exhausted.

Too tired to do anything but slump, I fell into stillness again, and I stayed there a little bit longer.

Just from those couple of moments, I am starting to just understand a little bit of how much my body is craving that. And how hard it is to get to it. To that blankness, that empty, vast, no-thing-ness, no-thought-ness that is like the space between the stars.

Most of my day my brain was busy as ever, but for those wonderful restful moments, I finally got it. And I will hang on to that, as possibility, as a new-found hunger in my conscious mind. Now I know I can. It's about time (get it - good pun, right?).


  1. Good for you Andy!! What a victory! Hugs and spoons!

  2. Thanx! Good to have my own personal cheerleader :-) <3

  3. It IS a victory! Just realising that mental energy is still energy used will help you to prioritize your precious supply in the future. And allowing stillness? Priceless!