I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
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Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Stengths and Happiness Quotient

A couple of weeks ago, my therapist sent me to this site, http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu, to take a questionnaire that would help me identify my key strengths as a person. Why? Because I'm redefining myself, and want to do so in a positive and realistic light. I am writing about this because I need to own these results. I am making a declaration that I acknowledge my strengths, and that they are part of what empowers me.

I have now done most of the tests on this site - just because I love those things - and I do think the results are quite accurate, at least in my case. Is there a way to measure happiness? I wouldn't have necessarily thought so, but Dr. Seligman and his team have qualified and quantified the components of what they believe to be authentic happiness (ie, not just of the moment, but the attitude which you carry in life) based on their very extensive research, and according to them, I am very happy indeed.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

More Disjointed Thoughts on Another Passing

24 years ago, my father bought this little company. I remember playing on the stairs, and being in awe of all the fabrics, and the big huge desks. I also remember the warehouse, and the factory room. The huge machines that turned the ties right side out, and the rows of sewing machines accompanied by mounds of half-worked fabrics, the cutting stations, with the patterns worked into the table itself. I also have fond memories of all the people who worked there. I spent a few summers folding handkerchiefs in that space, and then, as I got older, doing data entry, answering the phones, and eventually, in my mid-20's, after the factory was shut down, as coordinator of sales and marketing.

So this company is more than a company to me. It has really formed a part of my professional life and self. It was where I learned many of the skills I use in every job I take on. And the people who worked there when I was a child, and who continued to work there when I did - those people are part of my growing up. It is not one of those relationships that is easy to define, but that place, and the people who were there for so long, are a part of me. My father says that his company is more like a family, and that's not only because there have been so many family members, albeit from several families, involved.

Last week, one of the members of that family, Anna, passed away, after a short battle with cancer. She was around 60. A recent grandmother. And a veteran at the warehouse, and the factory before that. She was a kind woman, stubborn, but sweet. Always busy, always cooking, sewing, lunching with her friends. Her husband continues to work with my father. Her sister in law was the head honcho in the factory, and then the warehouse for many many years until she retired. So again, more family, more ties, more connections.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

One week, no schedule, feeling great

It has been one week since I made the conscious decision to abandon all routines and schedules as far as reality permits, and I am feeling incredibly fantastic. I have actually had symptom free periods of up to several hours. I have been more active, and with less repercussions.

So is this because the Osteopathy is working? Because the methylation is working? Because I've freed myself from certain constraints and therefore been able to put the energy I was spending worrying about scheduling into healing? Because I've been so successful at shifting my perspective? I have no idea. I have a very strong feeling it is a combination of all of these factors, and probably some others I am not taking into account as well.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Reframing Vocabulary

So my aunt wisely challenged me to remove words like "illness" and "sick" from my thoughts and my speech. That leaves me with a blank empty space to describe what my body is going through in a more positive way.

For example, last week, when I got that cold, I would have said I crashed. So instead, my mother suggested I think of it as my body in a state of compensation. My body was using all my energy to keep the cold from taking root, and then to maintain the best state of health it could. That is where my energy went.

The experience is the same, but not, because it does give me a different experience of it - it's all in the semiotics. Think about it. Using the word "crash", there is a connotation of a strong impact, suddenness, unexpectedness, and a lack of control. However, if I say that I am allowing my body to compensate for external factors, then it really is all in my control. My body has the same amount of energy it did before the cold, but is using it in a more concentrated form to maintain status quo. The connotation here is a more gentle one, and one of meeting priorities and doing so consciously.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Letting go of Time

Today, my osteopath told me to stay away from strict routines. I love her for that. And I welcome her support in changing that aspect of my perspective on life.

I've written before (and more than once, I think) about how I struggle with clock time - how I'm often late, how I lose time, how I go into flow so easily and all that. I have a hard time with logging, scheduling and such things. I rebel against them. And yet, the self-help course, the doctors, the OT, the naturopath... they are all focused on me doing certain things every day, preferably at the same time, on a routine basis. So to be told that I need to break from that and honour my own being and its needs at any given moment is just liberating and feels awesome!

And of course, it comes at a perfect time in my journey.

I am actually reading The Power of Now, and it's been a few weeks since I did any logging, or lists. I have freed up a good deal of clock-time and energy by taking a break from online forums, and I even dropped out of the self-help course, because I wasn't finding I could keep up with it. So no goals, no tracking, no nothing for a few weeks, and I've been feeling great, even while using all my energy to fight a  cold last week (hence the lack of posts).

Friday, 7 October 2011

Stellakitty - disjointed reflections on the passing of an aqcuaintance and Yom Kippur

My heart is conflicted. Peace, sorrow, awe and love. Mostly love.

Today, I've been feeling sorry for myself, and not. I've caught a cold. My energy is waning. I can't concentrate. I can barely talk on the phone or think straight. My dishwasher is broken (for real this time), so my kitchen is again a hazard zone. But I'm still feeling better than I was a month ago. And I take a great deal of comfort in knowing that I am taking care of myself as best as I can. So feeling sorry for myself, but also feeling good about myself.

And then the news came. News I never thought would really affect me, had I even considered the possibility. A young woman from the forum I'm taking a break from has passed away. She had EDS. She was brave, and funny, and feisty, and so very very spirited. She was 22.

I never met her. Interacted a few times. Her posts revealed a wisdom that went beyond her years, and sense of humour that buoyed her and everyone around her. She always focused on what was good in her life, not complaining about the pain, or the illness, or the hospital.

The news was shocking to me, and my reaction to it is surprising me. I'm sad, of course. But I've felt so many emotions in the last little while, that I felt I needed to write, and just see what came out. No matter how disjointed.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Physical Perspective Change

My son does not transition easily. He is the typical slow-to-warm-up personality, if you know about those things, you will know exactly what I mean. Wherever he is he wants to stay, and unless he has a hand in making changes, they upset him greatly. He has always been like that. I will never forget the crying fit he had when my parents changed their dishwasher "but I miss the old dishwasher! I want the old dishwasher back!" Same thing happened when they changed the tap on the bathroom sink. The worst, however, was when we juiced some carrots, and he was incredibly distraught - inconsolable, really, because we couldn't make the carrots whole again. Knowing this about him, and validating his experience, makes my life waaaaay easier.

So when I decided to change the living room around, to change my physical perspective on the world and reinforce the mental shifts I'm making, I knew things would work best if I got him involved before I moved a stick of furniture. We had a lot of fun playing around with pieces of paper, and really negotiated what we each wanted from the room. So we have ended up with a very unconventional arrangement, which we've decided to leave in place for a few days to see if we like it.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Shitfting Perspectives

This last few weeks, between starting Osteopathy treatments, attending the conference in Ottawa and having my aunt visit have given me a great deal to process. The biggest thing I have taken away from all three is that I need to shift my perspective. Both internally and externally. I need to see, think and put things out there differently.

First and foremost, I need to focus on what I can do, rather than what I can't. This may be a subtle shift, but it is a very impactful one. Next, I have been challenged (and you know how I love a challenge!) to remove the terms "illness" and "sickness" and all other related vocabulary from my mind. Following that, I am literally shifting my physical perspective, by rearranging the furniture which surrounds me most often in order to better my view. Finally, I am taking a break from online forums, and have dropped out of my self-help course, knowing that I will return to both once this part of my work is complete.