I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
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Sunday, 29 January 2012

Mold? California? So confused...

I finally got in to see my osteopath regarding these colds that won't go away and she laid down a potential shocker. Turns out, this could be mold masquerading as a cold. Oh joy.

I know nothing about mold, beyond that it's harmful, can cause all kinds of yucky reactions in humans, and is ridiculously hard to get rid of. I really really hope that I will not have to learn more about it than that. I will find out whether that is necessary after checking my and my parent's houses. Sigh. Really, none of us are up to dealing with this right now. But you do what you have to do.

In the meantime, a great many very interesting things came out of our session, and I am finding myself at yet another moment of decision making - crossroads like. This whole healing thing would be so much easier if there were just one expert who would tell me what to do and how to do it. But Nooooooo. Not only is this particular condition so mysterious and complicated that nobody yet understands what it is, or even if it is one single thing, rather than a bunch of different yet similarly presenting illnesses all being lumped under one name. So there is no one book to read, no one path to follow.

Monday, 23 January 2012

Overexerted, but for a Greater Purpose

My physical being is in a really serious mode of compensation. My body is trying so hard to heal itself, that it spares no energy beyond that and the basic task of keeping me alive. Part is the cold of which I am still complaining. But part was a choice I made this weekend to overexert, and which I still think was probably worth it. I'd just forgotten how bad this thing could really get. Post-exertional-neuro-immune-exhaustion has hit, and hit hard.

My cane has made a reappearance in my life. The last few days I have made it up and down the stairs very slowly on my bottom. I timed it, just to see. 6 minutes to get up the stairs. No joke, no exaggeration. 6 minutes. One flight. But I can still do it. The stairs have not gotten the best of me.

My boy and I are at my parents' house again, being fed and coddled. It is absolutely wonderful to wake up and find a cup of coffee already made and waiting for me at the kitchen table. It is not, however, so wonderful that my laptop doesn't work here. So to use the computer, I dragged myself up the stairs.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Seriousy? Another Cold?

I thought I was done with that! Surprise surprise, just after I wrote the last post about finally starting to recover, I get hit again. Same thing. General increase in symptom severity, general decrease in energy and predictability thereof, yada yada yada. Oh joy.

Today I used my cane, for the first time in a few months. That's how I'm doing.

I know there are people out there a lot worse off than me. I know how fortunate I am to even be able to pull myself out of bed, never mind actually climb the stairs in my house. As a good friend keeps reminding me, "any day above ground is a good day." I know that this does not define me. I know that this is another bump in the road, and certainly not the first or worst bump I've traveled over.

But it sill sucks, and I am finding myself once again going through the stages of grief, albeit mildly.

I don't think I have anything else to say about this right now. Just yuck, yuckers and yech. And I really really hope this is a light one, that will pass as quickly or more quickly than the last one, and not one of those that my naturopath was saying have the potential to knock me out for a couple of months.

Hot toddy, here I come.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Recovering from the Common Cold

Yes, I'm still whining about the cold I got last month. It lasted for about 3 weeks. And now I'm finally starting to really recover.

When I went to see my Naturopath today, she told me that when any of her ME patients get a virus, she secretly worries. It is not at all uncommon for a regular, run of the mill cold to knock us back down a few levels on the functional capacity scale. Quite normal for us, actually, to take months to recover from a cold. Um. YIKES!

Sooooo.... today I'm counting my blessings. The cold lasted for 3 weeks, but I'm really recovering. Yay! No more whining about that from me! Amazing, the perspective the shift. Suddenly I'm feeling fortunate.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

there is sickness here but I am not sick

I've been in a bit of a funk for the last few days. I have had moments of tremendous enjoyment, especially the moments I spend with my boy, who is back home, happy, healthy and very much himself. But I also find that I've been irritated more easily, feeling lost, and plenty shut-down. My symptoms, especially the ones related to my central nervous system are exacerbated right now, and I still can't quite seem to kick this cold.

This morning, when my boy got up bright and early to get ready for his winter break camp, and asked me to join him in watching TV, I did, but I curled up on the couch, and tucked my head in as far into my shoulder as I could, just to share the space with him without going crazy with the sensory stimulation, hot/cold feelings, and general heaviness of my body. I spent the rest of the morning catching up on Facebook and realizing just how awful my body was feeling. It still is. Writing is hard right now, but I think it will help.

In a moment of clarity, I decided to turn off the computer after lunch and started instead to read "How to Be Sick" the bible of many chronically ill people by Toni Bernhard. It helped. She also has ME. She also doesn't know what that means, 10 years into being house-bound. To be honest, I am hoping not to be as house-bound as I am for another 10 years. But if that is what happens, I guess I will deal with it in much the same way as I've dealt with it thus far.