I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Sunday, 29 January 2012

Mold? California? So confused...

I finally got in to see my osteopath regarding these colds that won't go away and she laid down a potential shocker. Turns out, this could be mold masquerading as a cold. Oh joy.

I know nothing about mold, beyond that it's harmful, can cause all kinds of yucky reactions in humans, and is ridiculously hard to get rid of. I really really hope that I will not have to learn more about it than that. I will find out whether that is necessary after checking my and my parent's houses. Sigh. Really, none of us are up to dealing with this right now. But you do what you have to do.

In the meantime, a great many very interesting things came out of our session, and I am finding myself at yet another moment of decision making - crossroads like. This whole healing thing would be so much easier if there were just one expert who would tell me what to do and how to do it. But Nooooooo. Not only is this particular condition so mysterious and complicated that nobody yet understands what it is, or even if it is one single thing, rather than a bunch of different yet similarly presenting illnesses all being lumped under one name. So there is no one book to read, no one path to follow.

And mostly, I'm good with that. Mostly, I prefer to live without labels, and I prefer experiential and individual approaches to life. I enjoy living within paradoxes and having no answers to my questions - it makes life so interesting, and so full of insight. But right now, I'm sick and I'm tired, and I want a nice clear, black and white answer, which I know is not coming, and that frustrates me to no end.

So I have a doctor and a naturopath who are both quite willing to go along with anything I bring them that makes sense. The naturopath also has a way of dealing with things, which is somewhat individualized, but follows a general path. And I have an osteopath who sees beyond all of that to my immediate experience, and whose work with me has made a bigger difference in my healing than anything else. So when she says I need something, or something will help, I am far more inclined to listen and follow her instructions.

But when what they tell me is different, when the expert in the illness tells me something different than the person who is really seeing my reality, then I get a little bit confused. And when it comes to what to eat and how to schedule or un-schedule my activities I can go with the advice that resonates, which has invariably been the osteopath's. But when it comes to changing protocols and shifting around supplements and things, I get a bit more nervous because I don't understand them. So when my gut says to go with the osteopath, my brain says "whoah there! you don't know what you're doing..." And I find myself searching for an easy answer, a simple solution, and again, the one expert who will know what do to and how to do it.

Which brings me to the osteopath's recommendation that I visit a doctor in California who specializes in people who fall through the cracks of the medical system. He has a ton of experience with ME and other related and similarly complex and misunderstood illnesses, and he had a hand in developing the methylation protocol that has helped, but we are apparently not doing quite right. He also speaks the language of osteopathy, and specifically the type that my osteopath practices. Which means he could possibly bridge the medical and osteopathic worlds for me.

I am very keen on going but I am scared. I want this person to be everything I need, and I know he won't be. I know he won't just be able to fix me. But I think he could probably give a lot of insight. But what if he can't? What if it's just another huge waste of time and money? What if what if what if what if what if? And what if he can?

1 comment:

  1. Well....I believe that people and opportunities are given to us when we need them. You know as well as I do that there may not BE a fix for you, but only a better/different quality of life..same for me. BUT, having said that, what can it hurt besides time and money to have a different perspecitve? A vacation to California, HELLS yes. Take a day or two more for yourself out there besides the "appointment".

    Mold can really impact your system and there are companies that can come to your house and test for mold. We had it done here b/c mold is a major asthma trigger but we don't have any so we're okay.

    There is no right or wrong decision here. Trust your gut....I do!