On Choosing This Forum

I have conversations in my head.

In them, I discover wonderful ways of communicating, of telling you exactly how I've been feeling. But when I see you, I can't say the words. They get stuck. They won't come out. I'm too tired. We're having a lovely conversation about unrelated things. I don't want to burden you. I don't know if you will react like you did when the conversation was in my head.

So the words stay in my head.

Until I write them down. And that I do. Often. But they stay in my journals, isolated and secreted away where nobody will see them. And I've decided that's not healthy, for them, or for me. 

When I first fell ill, my sister told me to do this. She said, you should write a blog. Get things out. But I wasn't ready. I was scared - I didn't know what was happening, or how long it would last, or even what it was. I hadn't come close to coming to terms with being ill. I thought (I'm sorry, bloggers!) that blogging was for people who have something to sell, some expertise to share, who are narcissistic and want the world to know they exist, or who are looking for ways to memorialize and share things (like my niece and nephew's childhoods).

Things have changed, and I think she's right. So I am taking the conversations public.

I don't know who, if anyone will read this, and that doesn't seem to matter too much right now. I just need to know that my words are going somewhere, and not staying locked up in my head and in my journals anymore. 

Fly little words, fly!