This weekend was supposed to be a special one. I'm supposed to be in Cincinnati right now, with a brilliant group of dedicated people learning about how to create amazing programs for adolescents in a Montessori setting.
I was not supposed to be home, nursing a normal cold which has me completely immobilized.
But I am.
I know I need to let go of the "supposed to's" but the truth is that I can't. Not yet. I want nothing more than to be at the retreat weekend right now. I wish I had never gotten sick and that I were there, enjoying the company of some of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and feeling the energy and excitement that comes from learning really cool stuff. It's hard to be here when I want to be there.
I know I did the right thing in not going, and this cold does nothing more than corroborate that fact. I can barely get up the energy to be typing this right now, and the only things moving are my fingertips. I'm even using my cane inside the house today, just so I can meet my most basic human needs (read: couch to kitchen or bathroom and back again).
The longing I feel to be there, though, it just adds to my determination to heal. It may make me sad right now, but feeling that sadness and regret makes me stronger and I know I am where I need to be. I just wish I didn't have to be here :)
Even though we think of the goal as some future state to achieve, the real goal is always the life of this moment, this moment, this moment.
ReplyDelete~~Charlotte Joko Beck~~