I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
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Monday, 19 December 2011

Another Cold

I was planning two posts this week, one about my observation at my son's school, and one about my latest Osteopathy and Gestalt sessions, but I got sidetracked in a major way by a cold that hit me... when was it?... Thursday, I think... No really sure.
(Warning: little bits of potentially offensive language below - I'm feeling particularly expressive this morning, perhaps because I haven't been able to speak my mind fully in a few days)

I feel like I'm in a daze, and it's not brain fog - it feels different - but it's similar. I am more distracted and my memory is shorter than usual. I'm forgetting lots of things - I know I am - that I need to do or deal with... more than usual, if it's not sitting right in front of me with flashing lights, it doesn't exist. Until someone asks, and then I want to slap my own forehead and moan "oh shit, not again. But since that someone is usually my son, or within hearing range of him, I do actually hold my tongue.

So if you have noticed my lack of presence online, either here, on e-mail, pinterest, facebook, or wherever it is you usually see me, it is mostly because in order to deal with this ridiculousness of a cold, I am once again staying with Mom and Dad, at least for a few days, and since I cannot hook up my wireless connection here, I have been relegated to actually watching television (ack! Commercials!) and trashy novels, which is about all my addled brain can handle at the moment. Again.

I have little problem (obviously) expressing myself in writing, but speaking right now, especially thoughtfully, reflectively or logically, requires such an effort that it is exhausting. Part of me wants to learn more about aphasia, and see if this is a normal pattern, but I can't spend that much time sitting up at my mom's computer, and I can't handle learning about anything right now. All I know is that it's hard to express myself orally right now. So, no bull, having a conversation is akin to running a marathon. The words are in my head, but they can't make it to my mouth. It feels like they're trapped, or my jaw is locked. It sucks, and it is very tiring to get them out.

All I want to do is curl up and - well - just curl up really. This is one of those times I'd like a pet that I didn't actually have to take care of.

I don't know if I've written about this before, but it's fascinating how my body responds to colds and other viruses nowadays. I would imagine that because my immune system is generally off, its reaction to this is off too, and that is why illness does not manifest in the same way for me anymore. But again, I'm not in any state to learn about it right now.

If you think about it, though, symptoms like runny noses, coughing, fever and chills are not actually caused by the virus, but by the reaction of the immune system. I don't get those symptoms anymore. I do get a worsening or all my other "normal" ME symptoms: exhaustion, central nervous system sensitization, autonomic dysfunction... all of that gets worse. I haven't even picked up my knitting all weekend. How do I know then, that it's a cold and not that I overdid it? Well, for starters, because I didn't overdo it. Also because the fuzzy headed feeling in my head, the throat tickles are not normal for me. The headache and stuffiness have a different quality to them, and it's rare nowadays that I get chills and shivers, unless I'm in full Post Exertional Neuro-Immune Exhaustion, which means really really really overdoing things. Like after Hallowe'en. And I know thats not it, because I recovered from Yoga by Tuesday night.

Besides, PENE (I don't like that acronym, and if you speak Spanish, you'll know why - giggle giggle) feels different - it's more neurological. This is more physical. Not that neurology is not physical, but you know what I mean. It's like I have this constellation of constant symptoms, and depending on which are brighter at any given point, I can tell what's going on. It forms a slightly different picture. But of course, since it's all invisible, you can't see what's going on, even if you can see that there is a difference, and since I can't express it verbally, I can't tell you. It makes it rather frustrating to be me, and I can imagine it makes it frustrating to care about and for me right now.

So there you have it. That's what it's like for me right now. I don't care much about anything beyond curling up somewhere warm with a cup of tea and a distraction, but if I did I'd be frustrated. I wish this only affected me, and not my son and my parents, and by extension my sister and her family. I wish it would only affect me during the day when I'm on my own. I wish, I wish I wish. If wishes were horses...

A good friend of mine says that we spoonies should be exempt from "normal" illnesses. And in a way I guess I am, because I don't have a mountain of kleenexes piling up around me, but it does seem more unfair that a common cold can completely immobilize me for days, when I'm already functioning at such a lower level.

But life isn't fair, it's not meant to be fair, and this is mine. And damn it all to hell, I'm going to make the best of it that I can. If ME can't kick my ass, a little cold sure won't. No siree. I'm going to curl up and take the time I need to get myself back on track. If I choose to rest, then it's not imposed. If I choose to coddle myself because I feel like crap, then I feel good about taking action, even if that action is paradoxically inaction. It is still a choice, and it is my choice. Life may dictate my circumstances, but I am the one who decides how to react to them.

And so I retreat into fantasy worlds where happy endings are the norm (even though I scoff at them) and the good guys always win eventually, and every loose end is tied up satisfactorily. And in another couple of days, I will once again emerge, refreshed (somewhat) and prepared (kind of) to deal with reality once again, embrace challenges, enjoy paradoxes and messy things, and love that there are no endings ever.


  1. I know you will overcome like you always do because of the strength of your spirit!!! I hope you feel better very soon!! Love to you! And wishes are horses...maybe.

  2. I love how you express yourself. You have captured aphasia so well. It constantly amazes me that the soundtrack in my head never shuts up but when it comes time to actually voice it, nothing. Or it all comes out at once in some embarassing verbal diarrhea.

    I'm sorry you are suffering with this cold, but to us, your readers, it is a gift. Because we get more of you.