I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
Subscription links are at the bottom of the page

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Aunthood vs Parenthood - I miss my boy!

So I'm on day 12 of this cold, and I'm really done with it now. I wish it would just get up and leave now, thank-you very much. Unfortunately, such viruses are rarely so polite and accomodating. Ah well. But it is getting better, and I am feeling much more myself today.

The holiday weekend came and went with my hardly noticing, since my family does not celebrate Christmas and I did not leave the house. The only real difference was that yesterday, my mom came over, and her energy was somehow less agitated - probably because she is headed into two weeks of holidays from school and my sister is out of town. Today my two besties came over, brought and set out and cleaned up lunch, and hung out with me for a while. It was so very very nice.

It is also 4 days since I heard from my son, which feels un-right. It doesn't feel wrong, exactly - I mean, he's been away before, and I know he's in very capable, trustworthy and protective hands. I'm certainly not worried, or anxious about it. But, he is my son, and as any parent (and really only parents - possibly mothers? I don't know... haven't talked to any dads about this) can understand, he is always in my thoughts, even when he's as far as could be. He is a part of me, and always will be. And independent as we both are, it feels odd not to have heard anything from him for so long.

My niece and nephews are also out of town, so I have had no child contact at all for a few days, and that does feel very very strange indeed. We had lunch together before they left for Christmas, and it was so nice to connect with the boys without my boy needing assurances that I do indeed love him more, and in a more casual way than our more "formal" (and I do use the term very loosely) family dinners.

My connection to my sisters children feeds me in a way I cannot explain well. But as I came to realize today in conversation with my friends, being an aunt is way more fun than being a mom. Being a mom is an amazing journey that I wouldn't trade for anything, but the fun is balanced with the worry, the work, the responsibility, the guidance, and the desire for my son to grow up feeling strong and validated and healthy. Being a parent is challenging and very hard work. It is physical and emotional work. It is a constant test of patience and love. And anyone who says otherwise hasn't had children or is in denial.

Being an aunt, on the other hand, is just about unconditional love, because I know that no matter what I do with those children, my sister is their mother, and she is the one who takes the responsibility for their well being and development. I can add to it, but it's in her hands. And that makes it more fun for me to be with them. It's a few moments really, that we spend together, and those moments are usually fun and games and exploration and conversation. I don't fight with them, and they don't fight with me. We just enjoy each other's company. It is a different relationship, and one I cherish deeply.

It seems that they are on their way back to the city now, so I'm hoping I will get to see them tomorrow, and spend some time with them recharging my batteries.

In the meantime, I miss my boy. I haven't gone in his room, because he's not there. I will tomorrow when I put away laundry. But I don't like being in there when he's not there - the pangs are stronger there. I see things, read things, and want to share them with him. I knit in peace, but there's no-one stealing my needles to play with them. No sneaky monkey hiding behind the couch or in the pantry. No dancing when the Fido commercial with the dancing dogs comes on TV. I'm less inclined to actually "cook" something for myself, unless it's something that will last a few days. It does feel different than when he's gone for the weekend, and I miss him.

Yes, I am enjoying sleeping in, and not having my computer/tv watching/reading interrupted. I'm enjoying not nagging about bed-time, or toothbrushing, and not arguing over how much tv is too much tv. I'm enjoying having full restful days of nothingness. But I still want to cuddle him at night, and hear his wonderfully high-pitched giggly laugh, and watch Batman together, and have him tell me all the things he wants for his birthday (the list is about 30 items long and would cost me well over $5000 - so it's become a bit of a joke between us) and I want to hear the oddest questions at the strangest times.

Another few days and he'll be back home. And I will have to deal with his mood swings and outbursts as he adjusts to being back at home. And even then, I will be so incredibly happy to see him, and hug him, and be with him, that nothing else will matter. We will weather the weather whatever the weather may be. And then we can start planning his birthday!


  1. Boy, Angel, Jack, Eduardo, or whatever his name is ;) is having a fantastic time! Got super spoiled for Christmas and has fallen in love with the beach.
    I know Eric thinks about him all the time and I do 100% of the time. It is so hard when he is not with me and I am just the step-mom!

  2. It was wonderful to speak with him yesterday! Step-parenting is a type of parenting in its own right. He was so proud of swimming in the gulf of Mexico - what a great connection for him to make! And I'm glad that you helped him see that dressing up is not the evil thing he thought it was. Thank-you Carolyn, for loving him as much as you do!