I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
Subscription links are at the bottom of the page

Tuesday, 13 December 2011


It didn't beat me. Not really. Ok, maybe a little.

Yesterday I went and did the first real physical activity I have done in a year. I finally made it to the Gentle Yoga class I've been thinking about joining for so long. And it was gooooood.

The teacher was wonderfully understanding, checked in on me every once in a while, and was super compassionate. I checked her bio out on their website, and like me, she worked "normal" jobs until something more fulfilling called to her when her child was born. The postures and sequences themselves were simple, and not what I would have considered challenging. In fact, we did many of my favourites for relaxing - pigeon, up the wall butterfly, boat twist - so there was little actual stress, as we focused more on stretching and opening.

The challenge for me was once again a mental challenge. I say again, to be clear, there is no doubt as to the physical reality  or origin of my condition. But my mental state changes how I deal with it, and how much I exacerbate it.

Once again, I found that my body likes to move. It likes the twists, the stretches felt A-MA-ZING. But it felt so good that I forgot to pull back. It's easy to fall into the patterns I developed over 15 years on and off of Yoga practice; to push farther, to stretch that little extra, to pull that just a bit more, to hold the posture through the strain. That is not such a good idea for me at this moment. It's just not.

The strain on the muscle, that lovely burning sensation, is lactic acid that is produced by the cells of the muscle as a byproduct of anaerobic energy production. For most people, this is a good thing. It means the muscle is working hard, and strengthening itself. But most people don't have cellular energy production issues. For someone like me, anaerobic energy production sets off Post-Exertion Neuro-Immune Exhaustion. And setting that off redirects my energy to that more urgent healing, leaving me without energy to do much of anything else, and stopping the bigger healing that is going on right now until the crisis is averted.

So I found myself automatically going into the yogic meditative state, and letting my body take over, but then I realized what I was doing. From that moment, I tried my best to stop whatever posture made my muscles start to itch, burn or twitch. I tried to focus less on effort and more on relaxing into things, but it was still a struggle, and it was a bit too late. By that point, considering I have done nothing for so long, I went too far too fast.

I made it home, and I spent the rest of the day literally on the couch. I did not get up from 12 until around 5:30. And then it was only because I had to pee so badly... and it was time to pack up to come to my parents' house to avoid the cleaning lady today, and I had to take out the garbage. However, for the first time in a long long time, I actually called my Dad to ask him to come over and help me, not only taking the garbage out, but to carry my bags to the car. That's serious.

The odd thing is that today, I woke up earlier than usual, and am barely feeling the effects. I hope that by resting so extremely yesterday, I managed to stave off the worst of the compensation period following exertion. I think I did.

So next week, I will go back to yoga, and I will tell the teacher what happened to me afterwards. I will swallow my pride and ask her to help me be more gentle in my practice. And hopefully, next Monday afternoon, I'll be able to get off the couch a little bit more.


  1. Andu, Yoga es tu hamaca fisica lo unico que tienes que hacer es gozar el movimiento y no TRABAJAR mientras la hamaca te mece de un lado al otro.

    The outward freedom that we shall attain will only be in exact proportion to the inward freedom to which we may have grown at any given moment.
    ~~Mahatma Gandhi~~

  2. I am proud of you for going and proud of you for recognizing your limits, even if it was a little too late....it will come my sweet! I promise! Baby steps!