I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
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Friday, 11 March 2011

Planning for an Unsure Tomorrow

There was an interesting thread on the forums I follow, about how people with chronic illness plan for the future. It's a tough one. Being still in the early stages of diagnosis and grief, I'm not really there yet, in terms of long-term planning.

I may set weekly and daily goals, but how could I possibly plan any further, when any little thing could possibly cause a crash?

One of the things a cyclical chronic illness like mine does to a psyche is create fear, and erode away at confidence. Confidence? Yes, the very basic confidence you have to walk down the street knowing you will be able to walk back home. The confidence that you will be able to empty the dishwasher and take a shower on the same day. Or that you will be able to attend your best friend's birthday party at the end of the month, and still be able to make it to an appointment the next day. My confidence in my body's ability has been shaken - hard.

So what to do? If you know me, you know how stubborn I am, and how I am unable to say no to a worthy challenge. Well, this is a worthy challenge indeed.

My challenge is to stay positive, stay focused, and get my physical well being levelled off to the point where I can say - with confidence - that I will go to the mall one day (I'm actually yearning for a trip to Ikea right now, but the amount of walking involved really freaks me out. Anyone in Toronto want to take me in my grandmothers' wheelchair?) and then maybe I can start to make plans a little bit further out ahead.

It's strange to think my friends are making decisions about careers, RSP's, whether or not to have children, further education, buying houses. I can't think about that stuff. Thank goodness I already have a child and don't have to worry about my bio clock ticking away at me, I have a lovely house that I'm struggling to keep neat-ish, and I'm content being single - and actually happy to not have to worry about anyone else's happiness at the moment.

This summer, I am supposed to go back to Ohio for 2 weeks to finish off my training. I don't know right now if I can do it. I have no way of gauging my progress yet. I know I'm getting better - I can see it in my pacing charts - but I don't know whether to expect a steady increase or if this is a plateau I'm reaching. I don't know how long it will take to get to the point that I can go, or whether this rise in energy levels will last, or if it's going to cycle down again. Or again, depending on how many colds my child brings home, and how many times I will push myself too hard, how many times I will be set back.

It's so easy to get caught up in this fear of pushing too hard. So easy to just say "no, I'll leave it, because I don't want to push it." To become completely inactive, and let myself laze. If I were to be completely honest, I would have to say it's somewhat enjoyable to not feel guilt around spending so much time online. But that will not get me back to Ohio, and it will not get me back to doing all the things I love to do.

And there's so much I want to do, now that I have time, and my energy has lifted just a bit. I'm constantly thinking about shifting my furniture about. Getting a couch for basement now that my big boy has outgrown the beanbag chairs. Putting up shelving. Varnishing the laundry chute. Changing light bulbs. I even want to start weeding already and the snow isn't even gone. But I have to stop that, and get used to the fact that I can only do less than so much. Taking the garbage out is one thing, but then I can't do the laundry, too (thanks Mom, for putting the clothes in the dryer yesterday).

I've come to the conclusion that if the end goal is my full recovery (which it most definitely is), my planning has to be short sighted. I can't worry about whether or not I will be able to go back to teaching, or when I will finish my training. That just breeds anxiety. Instead, it seems to me that the shortest distance between that goal and myself is the planning of day-to-day, week-to-week, and sometimes moment-by-moment activities, tracking them, and trying to figure out just how much I can do without it being too much.

1 comment:

  1. Yesterday is but a dream, tommorow is but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and evert tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day.

    ~~~Sanskrit Proverb~~~