Learning to Be Me All Over Again

I just finished watching this week's Glee. Don't know if you saw it, but it was all about embracing those things we do not love about ourselves, or have caused us difficulty. It got me thinking...

I've written about grieving for my past self. I've written about rough patches, and how I'm coping. I've expressed my immense gratitude for people and things in my life that have helped through everything. But maybe it's time for me to refocus on who I can be, and who I want to be.

I know I still have at least another year or two before I can say I'm fully recovered, if that time really ever comes. So for now, I can't be the outer things I was or still want to be - but that's only a little limit, right? I still am. I still think, therefore I am. I still breathe, eat, drink, love, read, observe, play, sleep, hope, philosophize, laugh, dream and do all the really important things in life. And I write, and write and write.

So what if right now, I don't love the aspects of me that are connected to my illness? Not all of them, anyway. How can I be me when so many parts of me are currently unavailable? I do love that I have a new way of expressing myself. I do love the new communities I have found online, and I love that in some ways, through this blog, my illness has made me closer with some of you (I'm thinking specifically of Cuq, and G the Original), and through forums, has brought me new playmates. I also love that I know I am growing, through travail and acceptance. I am growing as a person.

I know that this is making me a better human being, and a better mom, and will make me a better teacher, if and when I can ever get back to that. I know I'm still not ready to make long-term plans, or think about the future in any way beyond when I can make time for my next shower. But I feel like this is an amazing opportunity to re-invent myself - to really look at what who I was, and where my life was heading, and decide if that's still right for me.

There have been times in my life when I've had to make choices that were very difficult. Other times I've made a decision to make a change that was really hard to make. I have changed my life dramatically more times in my 36 years than most people do in their whole lives. My lifestyle, and my beliefs are born of conscious decisions, not random events, or reactions or non-choices. But this time, it feels like I don't have to make any choices or changes, but I can if I want to.

So do I want to?

I have no answers, but a lot of questions. Big ones. Where's the magic 8 ball when you need it?