Anticipatory Nervousness

Tonight is the first Passover Seder and I have to say that I am a bit nervous. There will be 23 people, 7 of them children, gathered in my parent's home. These nights get loud, are very social, and really involved.

I haven't been in this kind of situation since my relapse, and I'm worried about what to tell people, about the noise level, and about having to possibly disappear for periods of time. The sensory input will be very very high, and that is still one of my bigger triggers.

The good thing is that I have recourses. It is my parent's home, so there are bedrooms where I can take my laptop and close the door to the noise and motion. My car is here, so at the worst case, I can always go home. But I'm embarrassed about the possibility of having to do that.

Pesach has always been a big holiday for us. We go all out. I love the gathering, the warmth, the sharing that happens. I love the stories, the songs, the interaction with the children. And I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it.

While everybody in attendance is aware of my illness, I know they don't all understand it, or what it entails. I hate the thought (so ironic, considering my earlier post) of being triggered, or having an episode in front of so many people... of having to explain myself, or make excuses.

Now the mature, stable side of me knows that it will pass, it will be fine - no matter what happens - and that everybody there will be supportive and that even if they're not, it won't make a difference in the long run. But the wounded, frightened part of me doesn't seem to know that. I'm really hoping that by writing out my fears like this, their impact will be lessened, and I can relax, trust myself to get through this, and put faith in the universe that all will be as it needs to be.

One of my many teachers used to call what I'm feeling anticipatory fear, and said it was one of the warrior's greatest assets. Know it, feel it, accept it as a friend. Use it to understand the situation, stabilize yourself and get grounded. Then step into stillness and silence and let the roller-coaster ride begin.


Let's ride!