I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

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Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Happily Worn Out

I did it! I made it through both Seders. Ok, they were super-express seders. And I did take a while for myself after dinner on each night. And today I am beyond exhausted. But it was totally worth it.

This year we had a truly Montessori-style seder. No kidding. My mom and sister set it all up. They set two beautiful child-size tables in the living room, and the adults sat around the children on the floor, couches and chairs. The children led the blessings, and totally hi-jacked the telling of the story of the exodus - it was hilarious. All I got was that Pharaoh changed his mind, and that there were horses (I'm not even sure if my nephew was referring to him changing his mind after the plagues, or after letting them go). All seven of them, ranging in age from almost 2 to 13, were all on their best behaviour, and absolutely charming. They then ate their dinner while the adults who are not attached to younger children went to our own beautifully set table. The afikoman hunt was never-ending, as they begged for it to be hid over and over.

The second night was much quieter, with only our immediate family and three adult guests. It was beautiful. My son read out loud from the haggadah, fluently and with expression - I swear I was in Mommy heaven. He recited the blessings with confidence, and was really a perfect host and gentleman. I'm still having a hard time believing how much he's grown up. And for the first time, I told the Passover story.

You have to understand that the telling of the story is the whole point of the Seder. It doesn't matter if they've watched the movie, or heard the story at school. The telling of the story is the main event. When we were kids it was what we most looked forward to. My Dad would stop suddenly and ask us questions, and he'd mix up his facts on purpose - we would burst out laughing and correct him. He had this amazing way of engaging us, no matter how old we were.

So last night, when it looked like the children were going to hi-jack the story again, I swallowed hard, said to myself, I can do this, I've been trained for this, and jumped right in. I have to say, it took more than a bit of energy to rein them in: an 8 year old who knows it by heart, a 5 year old who's obsessed with the Prince of Egypt version, and two 2.5 year olds who are more interested in collecting all the kippot on the table and taking the flowers out of the vases. It took a few good pauses, a great deal of inflection, and some really good eyebrow moves to keep them interested. So with conscious effort, and with the knowledge that I was using the little energy I had left, I fulfilled the purpose of the Seder - "and you shall tell your children..."

So my pacing chart for today is all dark, I've done next to nothing, and my symptoms are really really strong today. I had a horrible time falling asleep last night, and did not sleep so well. My eyelids are heavy, my wrists are full of lead, and my heart keeps pounding for no apparent reason. I feel like I've got chills but I'm hot, and every little noise is like an explosion in my head.

And yet, I am irrepressibly happy. I had two beautiful nights, with people I love, wonderful food, tradition, children, flowers, candles, songs, conversations and wine. If I have to pay for that with a day or two of aggravated symptoms and the energy levels of a rotting log - well - bring it on!

1 comment:

  1. Joy seems tome a step beyond happiness-happiness is a sort of atmosphere you can live in sometimes when you're lucky.
    Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love.
    ~~~Adela Rogers St.John~~~

    Bravooooo y que envidia!!!!!