Still Yearning

7 months now, I've been home, sick, unable to function at a normal level.

I still have to rest after unloading the dishwasher, showering, or taking a walk. I am up to about 6 hours of "real" activity a day, and 6 hours of low level activity.

I am starting to wonder if the yearning ever goes away. 7 months, and I still want to do things I can't yet do. 7 months, and I still yearn for my former self.

I want to play in the pool. I want to run. I want to take a bike ride with my son. I still can't. I still need help, and support, and I still need to rest a good portion of the time. I want so badly to be active, and I have to hold myself back.


I'm learning to accept these things as part of my reality - I'm learning to accept that this is a long-term thing. I'm learning so much, and yet I still want it to be over. I can say yes to the yearning, yes to the need to rest, yes to feeling secure in what I need to do, yes to many things. But saying yes doesn't make it go away any faster. Well, maybe it does, because saying no just makes me push harder, and take on more stress. Funny, but saying yes to anxiety - accepting that it is part and parcel of this illness - actually creates a peaceful place for the anxiety to wear itself out. I know that it is not a real part of me.

I am saying to no to a lot - I am saying no to biking, swimming and running. I am saying no to overly loud situations, and no to things that stress me out. That's getting easier. I'm more secure about my needs.

But it's not easier to be less independent, and it's not easier to ask for help. I know the help is there, whether I ask for it or not. What I really want is to be able to go to Canadian Tire, and on the way back, stop off to buy some vitamins, drop some books off at the library, and then go hang out at the pool. It's not getting easier to say no to that.

I really do wonder at what point I will be able to manage that more easily.