I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Sunday, 26 June 2011

Sumertime! Wait - What?

Summer's here!!! This week is the first week without school. The pool in the complex is open, and it is supposed to be pretty nice most of the week. Next weekend, we are going camping - its an annual trip with old old friends. We've been going since he was 3.

On the one hand - Yay! On the other - ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod.

I love summer. I love spending summer with my son. I love hanging at the pool, and I love being in the pool with him. I love our camping trips, the tents, the fire, the lake...

But this year I will have to not canoe. I don't even know if I can get on a canoe without vertigo, or even get in the water - last time I took a bath I felt sea-sick. I'm also having a really hard time with direct sunlight. It's very strange to me to seek shade, because my entire life I have enjoyed nothing more than the gentle warmth of sunshine on my skin, and now I find it drains me.

I'm also starting to stress about how I'm going to get everything packed and organized without burning through all my marbles so I can still enjoy the trip instead of passing out the minute I get there. Luckily the friends we go with are awesome and incredibly understanding - I think that's one of the benefits of having known someone longer than you haven't known them. Last year, they drove me home and did all the heavy lifting on the way back, including unpacking my car, because thanks to an awkward fall I ended up on crutches. This year, I've made them as aware as I can about my condition, and we've made some arrangements that will help. Once again, I raise my glass to good friends!

So back to planning my week. I need to have food delivered, check that all the equipment is in decent shape, organize things, pack them, get them in the car. Every other year, it's taken a day. This year, I want to take my time. But I'm scared that I'll forget something essential, or that I'll overdo things as usual. For the first time since the first time I went camping, I actually feel like I need a checklist!

And then, there's the rest of the summer to think about. Ok, so the first few weeks my son is in an awesome camp, where they'll be biking through the gorgeous green spaces in Toronto, and going fun places when it rains. But what happens the rest of the summer? Any other year, I'd take him to the Science Centre, and the Royal Ontario Museum, and to Kensington Market, and Centre Island (over and over again), and in between, we'd go to the park and hang out at the pool. Summers with him have always been awesome. But this year, I can't do it. I can't take him places that are fun and exciting. I don't know yet if I can get in the pool (but I'm pretty sure I'll find some shade to sit in while he swims). I can't play soccer with him, or run around chasing him in the park.

It's daunting to look ahead at 5 weeks of wanting to do things I can't do. It's frightening to me right now to think about how to make sure he gets what he needs, in terms of attention, activity, challenge, nourishment and expression.

Now here's the thing - I know it will be fine. I know we will have a great time, most of the time. I know he is adaptable, and so am I. I know everything will be ok. But right now, I'm a little scared. And that's ok. It's all part of the overactive nervous system. Knowing that freaking out is a symptom helps. So does having a flexible plan. My mom is around, his dad and stepmom are around, and my dad is around on certain days. There is no lack of people who adore my son and want to keep him company. We are very fortunate in that. I think it will also help me to not think of it as a whole summer, or 5 weeks, but to take things one or two days at a time. Not even allow myself to think beyond that.

We will find a way. We will slowly fall into routines. And by the time we adapt to them, it will be September, and time to start all over again ;p!


  1. Hey, hey, hey don't go to September so fast. We have all summer to enjoy; with all the unknowns that it may bring, summer will be beautiful and very pleasant for all of us.

  2. Is that an offer to take him all the fun places, or an open invitation to your hammock?

  3. Good point. So I'll be in the hammock while you take him to Centreville!