I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Monday, 20 June 2011

Got a Goal!

*this post is a follow up to "Choosing a Goal"

TARGET for last week:
What: Limit one activity by setting the alarm on my phone.
How much: 30 minutes
When: in the afternoon
How often: Every day
Confidence level: 9

I finally settled on this goal, because I think if I put a limit on my over-doing, I can really go a long way in spending my energy in better ways.  I decided to do it every day, because I will forget what day I chose (assuming I can even remember what day it is), and everything will become a huge mess - such is the brain fog. Sigh.

My goal, and its ramifications made for a hearty and fascinating discussion with my therapist today. She was very interested in why I was overdoing in the first place, and how this is challenging my deepest-rooted behaviours, and, most interestingly (I hadn't noticed until we started talking), how it relates to Montessori philosophy.

Now, I know it's a small task I've set for myself, but this is a paradigm shift in my life, and the whole point of setting this goal is to be able to achieve it. Hooray for baby steps!!!  I'm a big fan of baby steps. Also a big fan of diving in the deep end when the time is right. But, in trying to effect a serious, deep and permanent change, early success is key. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't succeed with this first goal, I will likely never take this seriously, and won't give it a full effort if I even try it again.

Ok, so why is this "limiting activity" thing so hard for me? Well... few reasons.

One is heredity. I didn't lick it off the sidewalk - I come from a long line of proud workaholics, and my immediate family greatly values activity and productivity. We all love to be busy (and to relax, but what's the point if you haven't done anything to deserve it?). Both my parents and my sister have demanding jobs and (mostly) happily work long hours. So did I. But now I'm not busy with work, so that part of me that thrives on purposeful activity needs something else to do.

Another is that I am a Montessori child. My entire childhood, I was encouraged to see things to completion, to work for personal satisfaction, and to engage with what captures my interest. These are things that have always served me well. Since finally reaching adulthood at the age of 27, I've been largely fulfilled and content with my life. The things that capture my interest are the things that feed my soul and intellect, and I feel quite content to pursue them at my own pace and in my own time, until they feel concluded.

And finally, I really do think I'm allergic to time-based routine. Although I can be pretty rigid myself, I dislike externally imposed restrictions. I hate sticking to a schedule (my friends know to expect me anywhere between 5 and 45 minutes after an agreed upon time - thank goodness they put up with me!), and I really really have a hard time with chronological exactitude.

So in this one little goal, I've challenged three major aspects of myself. I need to stop valuing activity over rest, I need to follow my body more than my interest, and I need to learn to live by the clock.

Ok, so how did I do?

First few days went very well. Friday, I set my alarm in the morning; I was wondering not entirely aimlessly through a retail outlet that is heaven to crafters, and realized that if I did not stop myself I would end up in bed for three days. The alarm went off. I did not exactly stop. The rest of the days, it actually worked pretty well. So one day not so good, but I think the draw was far bigger than anything I ever face in my home. Overall, a pretty good start.

Not bad for a woman challenging some of her deepest seated habits and beliefs. Yay me!

1 comment:

  1. It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself.
    ~~~Thomas Paine~~~