I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
To send me a private message, please e-mail me: flylittlewordsfly@gmail.com
Subscription links are at the bottom of the page

Friday, 10 June 2011

Up Past My Bedtime

It's 1am. I'm not asleep. I'm not even in bed.

I thought I was getting so good at this!

Truth is, lately, I've been having a way harder time disconnecting, and I have no clue what that's about. I can postulate, and guess, and pull something out of the air, but I don't really know why. I guess I will have to bring up at my next therapy session and see what comes up.

But here's my best guess: It's a combination of better energy levels, the time of year, and changing routines. I bet there's something else going on in my subconscious, but who knows.

I'm starting to feel more energetic. Not a lot, but a little. I'm reaching for that functional capacity of 6 on some days. And that makes it harder to not do stuff. It's easier to convince myself to rest when I can't move. My body forces it on me. There's no argument. But lately, I've been in such a good mood, and my son has been amazing, that there's no external signal to stop until it's too late - I've been getting so engrossed in things that I'm forgetting to read my body.

Next, summer is here. It is light until past 9. It seems like every other week there's a long weekend, especially with the Jewish holidays, and my son is off to the cottage with his Dad, Stepmom and her family. On the days that he is with me, whether or not there is school, he has been yearning for more company, and so we are often staying over at my parents' house. Which is great. More rest for me, more interaction for him. But between my clothes, meds, laptop, books and knitting (all needed to get through the day without going insane), it's a huge effort every time. Seriously, with all this, I just feel like I'm losing track of my beautiful routines that were working so well.

The other thing about late-nigh-ism, is that it runs in the family... my mom came downstairs a little while ago and said "we both need to go to bed." I agreed. Then I continued killing those little bug-looking monsters in gemcraft, and she went back up to her own computer. Sigh. And we're still awake. She just came down to dare me to go to sleep.

And it keeps running down the family tree. My son has taken to reading well into the night. He will have his goodnight story, or chapters, and then he will continue reading on his own. Since he has just recently started to really enjoy reading, I really don't want to discourage him, and seriously, if he can still get up in the morning, get through the school day, and then be active all evening, well then, I think he's ok. But I'm not so ok, because it makes me nervous and throws me off when I'm trying to unwind with my own book.

I guess it's time to adapt yet again. And this post is now in serious danger of becoming rambling nonsense if it isn't already.

Goodnight. Sleep Tight. Buenas noches, hasta manana, que Juan Pestana ya va a llegar.


  1. Everybody acts not only under external compulsion but also in accordance with inner necessity.
    ~~~Albert Einstein~~~
    Tu y tu madre!!!!!

  2. Einstein was so wise. So what's my inner necessity here? I guess I'll have to go to therapy to find out!!!!