I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Saturday, 11 June 2011


Today was grey here. It was dark - at noon, it was darker than it's been at 8:30pm lately.

And then the sky opened up. The rain came down hard and fast. It didn't last long at all, but long enough to nourish the plants, and to make me want something else. What that something else is, I don't know.

I was out there for a few minutes, before it really hit. I've been so desperate to get a little bit of weeding done, so I decided to just go and do it for two minutes. But... I've found a decent compromise - Instead of pulling weeds, I pick the flowers. Less intensive, and less effective, but at least that way they can't spread and ruin the work of the last two summers (Ha! Take that you weedy weeds that are trying to kill my roses!), and on the plus side, I get nice fresh flowers in the house - they really are pretty.

And then the rain came. Hard. I jumped inside - good thing my yard is small - and managed to not get soaked. But I wanted to be out there. It brought back so many memories.

Last summer, one of my colleagues and I ran out in the middle of a rain storm and jumped in the puddles - it was the first time in years that I'd done that, and it felt so good. As a teenager, I did a ton of singing, dancing, and splashing in the rain. I can't remember how many teen-angst poems I wrote about rain. It was my favourite thing in the world. My boyfriend and I would take long walks in the rain. It was fun, and kooky and dramatic and refreshing.

I think maybe that's what I wanted today - to feel refreshed. It's odd to think about how long it's been since I've really felt refreshed. I just wanted to be out in the rain. But I didn't want to get wet, and have to change clothes, and dry off - that just takes waaaay too many marbles. So instead, I decided I would sit and watch the rain, and feel the freshness of the air through the patio door. By the time I cleaned off a chair to sit down, I was so restless I couldn't do it. I stood and looked at it for a few moments, I took it in, I breathed it, and then I walked away.

I'm a little sad that I couldn't find the peace in me today to sit and enjoy that moment. But with my overactive nervous system, the breakdown in routines and the push/crash cycle I can't quite get out of, I just couldn't do it. I forgive myself for that, in fact, I never blamed myself, really, but I just wish it could have been different.


  1. Memory is a master painter, lining indelible pictures upon the mind's canvas. Time pilfers our years, our hopes, even our griefs.But it cannot cross the threshold that leads to the domain of Memory.Here we resuscitate the past.Here we gather once more water lilies that died, but came to life again in the pool of rememberance.
    ~~~Alexander A. Steinbach~~~