I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

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Thursday, 11 August 2011

Without my Safety Net

So my parents are out of town. I went into therapy today, and said I really feel their absence. My therapist nodded understandingly, and asked how long they've gone. They left yesterday. Yep.

For the last two days, my driving, food preparation and clean-up activities, not to mention child-care have just about tripled. Yesterday, I actually left the house 3 separate times. I took my son to camp, brought him home, and took him to his soccer game. Unheard of. And I am feeling the effects. Yes, I can do it, no, it's not so bad. But it's interesting.

Any other Wednesday, one of my parents drives us down to the soccer field, drops us off right there, and goes to part the car. Afterwards, I will walk partway to the car. Last night, it was my 3rd drive of the day (I know, that doesn't even do anything for most people, but for me it is a very big deal) and it was extremely difficult to find a space to park. After walking a full 8 minutes to the soccer field, I lay down on the grass to allow my heart to settle back into a normal rhythm. I was down so long, that I even got a text from Stepmom, asking if I'd just dropped the boy off and left. She didn't even see me there. A painfully slow walk back to the car, and I was able to get home just fine, but quite tired out.

Today, I realized I could lie down in my car after dropping my son off at camp - that I don't actually have a good reason to rush off, and that my heart appreciates the reclined position after being upright for so long so early in the morning (if anyone who works could ever consider 9:30 early in the morning, that is). I also realized that 3 outings were too many, especially with me driving every time. So I combined my therapy session with my son's camp pick-up, since they are in the same area of town, and I have a super understanding therapist.

What's interesting to me, as I engage in self-observation (quite distinct from navel-gazing, but that's a different discussion) is that while I miss my parents and the safety net that they represent, their being away, even for two days, has forced me to do things differently, to account for myself fully, and to look even more carefully at how my energy is expended. I haven't touched any of my usual activities - my knitting needles are lonely, and my beads are all over the table here. But I feel a strong sense of accomplishment in that I can do this. I can function reasonably well without my Mommy and Daddy. And boy, did I never think to hear myself say that at this stage of my life.

Another interesting apparent discrepancy here, because their absence increases my appreciation for what they do, and for their support, just as it increases my confidence in my own ability to adapt, solve problems and depend on myself.

I have to say, though, that one of the best things to come out of their trip so far, is that my son has sensed the change, and is being more mature and helpful than he has been in a while. He is expressing curiosity about M.E., and my limitations, and is doing all kinds of things without being asked, or on the first time asking (which is impressive for any 8 year old!). So once again, I find myself crowing with pride over what an amazing person he is becoming, but this time, because he has understood that something has changed, and is rising to the occasion with no poking, prodding, or intimidation. It is a natural thing for him to do, and I am once again patting myself on the back (quietly, albeit publicly, because I'm still learning to accept my own successes as being mine) for allowing him to develop according to his own natural inclinations and showing him what it is to be an empathetic and supportive person.

What I realized today, though, is that I can and I have survived without my safety net. Yes, it's really nice to have it, and yes, it hurts more to fall without it. But in this case, it's a fall that won't actually kill me, or destroy my life. I have already been hit with adversity - lots of stuff the universe has thrown my way - and I've worked my way through it, coming out better for it every time. I found my safety net, after falling many times without it, and now I am learning that I can live without it. But it's quite all right to miss it.

Regi, Toqui, besos! Los quiero, y los extrano mucho!


  1. I am very glad that you survived without your safety net. Now we can go for longer holidays :)

  2. NOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!