Hanging In

Still crashed out.

It seems I did not give myself enough rest between the tough week last week and yesterday. Yesterday was a 3 activity day, which was obviously too much.

I think the last time I had a day like today was several months ago (which is amazing in and of itself!), and while it's bad, I know it will end, and that I will catch up. Having said that, it's really frustrating, because I thought I had a handle on things, and that I was past these really rough days. But I guess not.

On the bright side, tomorrow I see my nutritionist, on Thursday I have an appointment with a cardiologist, and on Friday I have my wonderful therapist, with whom I know I will find the light in all of this once again, even though I never really lost it. My second self-help course starts in a month, at which time I will also be meeting with an osteopath and my rehab person has found me a Cognitive Behavioural Mindfulness therapist with whom to plot some things out as well.

So once again I find myself in a dichotomous situation. I feel like crap, but it's good to know that help is on the way.

I know it's hard for you, my friends and family to see me this way, but please understand that it is a natural part of the process of this ridiculous illness. Dr. J said to always remember that there will be bad days, even when things are seemingly progressing really well. We are doing everything we can, and your worry just makes me worried. I need to accept this, and so do you. Please. Help me by understanding that it's just a bad moment, look at what I've accomplished and how far I have come, and remember that M.E. is a serious and still very mysterious illness.

I am not losing ground for having a bad day or two. I am not getting depressed just because I can't find the energy to smile when you are here. I may be extra irritable, and need alone time, but that doesn't mean I don't need, want or love you. Just give me a bit of space, and try to understand that every word, smile, and gesture takes up a little bit more energy than I have to spare at the moment.

Right now, I need to spend that energy at the cellular level (where my body is working really really hard) and on my emotional health; maintaining a positive attitude and keeping the naturally occurring emotions and feelings of guilt, frustration and anger flowing through and away from me as quickly as possible.

Thank-you for helping me get through this!

Now I'm going to go watch the finale of the Glee Project, and settle down for my bed-time vampire romance reading. That's how I'm going to spoil myself tonight!