Another Bittersweet Moment

Once again, it's not like I had a choice. I've known for quite some time that I would not be teaching this year. I've been working with my successor, helping him figure out how to do my job. This is no surprise.

Here's the surprise. I'm sad tonight. I didn't expect to be, but I am.

Tomorrow, the staff at my school (yes, it's still my school) will meet, and plan for the year, and start getting their classrooms set up and start to build a team. And I won't be a part of it, for the first time in 6 years, I will not be a part of it. I won't play catch-up and chat about weddings, or children, or gossip about families or have really incredible heart-to-hearts about what we're going to do differently this time around. I'll miss the excitement of the fresh classroom - putting everything just so, and the crisp feeling of anticipation and preparation.

I will be at home, still managing my way of this crash, and putting my energy into getting myself back to where I was a couple of weeks ago. No question that's where I need to be and that's what I need to be doing. But doing and wanting are not the same thing, and it's not what I want to be doing right now.

What I am feeling is a simple sadness over the discrepancy of what I need and want, and a gentle anger at the illness that has forced this major change in my life. I am feeling these things because they are normal natural expressions and reactions to my situation. They will pass, because I am feeling them, acknowledging them, and letting them pass. It still sucks, though.


Sigh. Maybe next year...