I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Monday, 16 May 2011

No Cincy for Me This Summer

There was no choice. I mean really, there was no option. I'm functioning at around a 4 - I dropped back down and haven't been able to re-stabilize since Passover. I'm still recovering from the weekend before last's activities, which were less than half of what a healthy person could have handled. So how could I possibly even begin to consider going to Cincinnati for two weeks of course work? I couldn't. But I also couldn't face not going. And now it's official. I'm not.

Last year I started a process that involved 6 intense weeks of study and self-examination, and it was pure synchrony. I wasn't supposed to be there, but the training course I'd signed up for had been cancelled. I was gifted with the presence of warm, genuine people, with a shared passion who helped me really open my heart for the first time in a long time. I'd never had much luck with groups before, but this group was a whole into which I fit perfectly. It was safe to trust, and that was something that had been missing for me for a while. I'm happy to say I was able to bring that feeling home, and keep it going.

The course work continues this summer, and, like so many other things in my life, I find I must put it on hold. I wrote a difficult e-mail to my classmates, after confirming with my wise and wonderful teacher that I would be continuing when my health allows. As I told them, deciding not to go wasn't the hard part. The hard part was admitting that there was no decision to be made. I hoped that if I was in denial for long enough, somehow I would still end up in Cincinnati this summer, laughing, crying, and hugging everything out with them.

I cried really hard when the summer ended. I think I may have freaked a couple of people out, because I really couldn't stop - I couldn't say goodbye. Nobody else had such a hard time letting go. Most were happy to go home. I was beyond excited to see my child, whom I'd missed like I never knew it was possible to miss someone. But I was also very torn apart, and I didn't really know why. I wonder now if perhaps a part of me knew - if there was a little tiny piece of me that understood already that I would not return this year. That I was closing the book on an intense, impactful, and happy time. That although I could carry it with me, I could never revisit.

Synchronicity being what it is, I am very sure that the group of people with whom I end up finishing the course will have something just as valuable to share with me. But at this moment, I'm just so very sad and angry that I won't be part of this one anymore. I feel like it's been ripped away, and it can never be put back together. I will have to take the individual relationships we built, and keep working on those, but the group - that's just gone.

What's done is done, what's past is past, and what will come will come. The sadness will pass, the anger will go away, and the beautiful things I did and the amazing things I learned and the wonderful friends I made - those will be with me forever.


  1. If you look at yourself on the level of historical time, as a tiny but influential part of a century long process, then at least you can begin to know your own address. You can begin to sense the greater pattern, and feel where you are within it, and your acts take on meaning.
    ~~~Michael Ventura~~~

  2. This year my wonderful language arts teacher has brought a lot of quotes into our classroom. One of my favorites that has stuck with me and the entire class is, "It's not good, it's not bad, it just is."

    I don't know if that gives you anything, but I thought it might apply to this.