No Cincy for Me This Summer

There was no choice. I mean really, there was no option. I'm functioning at around a 4 - I dropped back down and haven't been able to re-stabilize since Passover. I'm still recovering from the weekend before last's activities, which were less than half of what a healthy person could have handled. So how could I possibly even begin to consider going to Cincinnati for two weeks of course work? I couldn't. But I also couldn't face not going. And now it's official. I'm not.

Last year I started a process that involved 6 intense weeks of study and self-examination, and it was pure synchrony. I wasn't supposed to be there, but the training course I'd signed up for had been cancelled. I was gifted with the presence of warm, genuine people, with a shared passion who helped me really open my heart for the first time in a long time. I'd never had much luck with groups before, but this group was a whole into which I fit perfectly. It was safe to trust, and that was something that had been missing for me for a while. I'm happy to say I was able to bring that feeling home, and keep it going.

The course work continues this summer, and, like so many other things in my life, I find I must put it on hold. I wrote a difficult e-mail to my classmates, after confirming with my wise and wonderful teacher that I would be continuing when my health allows. As I told them, deciding not to go wasn't the hard part. The hard part was admitting that there was no decision to be made. I hoped that if I was in denial for long enough, somehow I would still end up in Cincinnati this summer, laughing, crying, and hugging everything out with them.

I cried really hard when the summer ended. I think I may have freaked a couple of people out, because I really couldn't stop - I couldn't say goodbye. Nobody else had such a hard time letting go. Most were happy to go home. I was beyond excited to see my child, whom I'd missed like I never knew it was possible to miss someone. But I was also very torn apart, and I didn't really know why. I wonder now if perhaps a part of me knew - if there was a little tiny piece of me that understood already that I would not return this year. That I was closing the book on an intense, impactful, and happy time. That although I could carry it with me, I could never revisit.

Synchronicity being what it is, I am very sure that the group of people with whom I end up finishing the course will have something just as valuable to share with me. But at this moment, I'm just so very sad and angry that I won't be part of this one anymore. I feel like it's been ripped away, and it can never be put back together. I will have to take the individual relationships we built, and keep working on those, but the group - that's just gone.

What's done is done, what's past is past, and what will come will come. The sadness will pass, the anger will go away, and the beautiful things I did and the amazing things I learned and the wonderful friends I made - those will be with me forever.