I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Monday, 9 May 2011

Cumulative Overexertion

It seems that post-exertion malaise, as they call it, is actually cumulative. Why am I just finding this out?!?!?!

So this past weekend, I chose to overexert on three different occasions, thinking I'd have time to get past each. Seems I was a little bit wrong. Each was harder to get through and past than the one before. I guess I'm still learning how to deal with these new demands on my body.

Friday night I attended a really special Bar-Mitzvah. Special because it was one of my students. More special because I have been involved with their family since I started to work at this school - his sister was one of my first third year casa students, and he was the one Elementary boy who defied the rest by singing in the end of year show my first year teaching music - he made it ok for boys to sing at our school, and I will forever love him just for that. The parents have struggled with the idea of Montessori, and the small social groups at our little school, but they do it honestly - because they are so committed to providing the very best they can for their children. I have a relationship of great respect and affection with all the members of this family. So it was really special to be a part of the celebration.

I was surprised to be able to stay as long as I did, through the music and whatnot. It was truly painful not to be able to join in the dancing, but I managed to enjoy living vicariously through others, and I think the genuinely good vibes in the room helped me to stay upright for longer than expected. Likewise, Saturday morning I was feeling better than I thought I would. I needed down time for sure, but not as bad as other crashes I've had. We stayed at my parents' house, so I was well pampered, and expected to be absolutely fine by Sunday, ready to deal with Mother's Day and my birthday. I should've known - the harder I push the longer it takes for the crash to come...

So Sunday was a quiet day, and being Mother's day, an eventful evening. I prepared by engaging in "intense rest therapy," which is all I really need to do lately before events like that to prevent a crash the next day. But this time, we went out for a big family dinner, and I did not fare quite so well. Now, don't ask the people who were there, because I really did fake it very very well. But I felt all shivery and shaky inside, and had a hard time finding the right words in Spanish as well as the patience to answer my grandmother's quintessentially inane questions, which usually amuse me. "What's that?" "Umm, a plate of pasta." "Oh." What? Seriously. Normally it's funny. Last night it was not.

Which brings us to today. My birthday. My parents took my son, my nephew and msyelf out for breakfast, and it was soooo lovely, but so tiring, that I actually left. I went outside and sat down on a hill while they paid the bill (ooh that rhymes). I just could not take the sensory input any more. I barely made it through the car ride home with the two boys - and I felt horrible - it's not their fault that their voices are like nails on chalkboard, or that they are excited about being out of school for the morning. It's good and healthy that they were laughing and joking and happy. But I'm not good and healthy, and I wasn't laughing, or joking, or happy. I was just forcing myself to breathe and focusing on how few blocks until home.

And since then, I've been pretty much flat on my back. I'm pretty sure beyond the low-key obligations I have with my family, that's all I'll be doing for the rest of the day today, and for most of the day tomorrow, and possibly the day after that, too.

Yes, it seems that the crash is indeed cumulative. Now I know, beyond any doubt. I wish I'd known before this weekend, so I could have planned it better. Alas.

To be honest, the brain fog is such that I am simply hoping that when I hit publish, and you end up reading this, some of what I've written will make some sense. I feel like I've just thrown all these thoughts onto the laptop, and am hoping they piled up in some semblance of something. I don't know what though. Ok, back to Buffy and her friendly neighbourhood vampires. At least they won't take any more of a toll on me ;)

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