I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Thursday, 26 May 2011

Another Day, Another Doctor's Visit

So I went to see my family doctor today. She is so great. But she can't help me. She did however let my mom and I hijack the physical, and instead of doing all the general checkup stuff, we spent the whole appointment asking questions about this incurable and complicated and largely unknowable illness of mine.

The only real news is that while I do have some kind of orthostatic intolerance, it does not seem to be affecting my blood pressure - today. That's how she put it. "Your blood pressure is fine today." Ok. What does that mean? Basically, that I still get dizzy if I am upright for any decent amount of time, and that no medications are in order. That's good because I don't need to spend more money on more pills that I have to remember to take and which would undoubtedly have side-effects. That's not good, because it's not fixable. It also means that it is not a real exclusion of anything, because it could be different tomorrow. Or, that I wasn't standing long enough, or that I wasn't lying down long enough, or that the weather is affecting it, or I actually ate well, or, or, or, or...

It's the same story every time. I go in hoping that something will be fixable, and I leave knowing again that it's not. But she had a great way of putting it. She said that our bodies are basically a series of complex and nuanced interrelationships, and medical tests are crude and awkward ways of trying to measure them. I have so much respect for her as a medical professional who actually knows the limits of the medical profession's capacities. I also truly appreciate that she never medicates for the sake of medicating. I just wish there was a medication that would make this all go away.

This time, we had print-outs of several writings by different doctors who have different theories on the illness. But really, when you get to the bottom line, they all say to do essentially the same things: pace activities, fix sleep cycle, eat well, and get supplements. Yup. Been there, done that. Still doing it. Will be doing it for a good long time.

The hope is still there, though, because she is going to read the materials we left with her, and we are waiting for some more blood test results, and have more questions for the other "specialist", and may actually get an answer or two. But the bottom line is still that I seem to be already doing what every doctor out there who actually knows anything about this illness says I can be doing. And I'm still not getting well fast enough for my liking. Which sends me back through the grief cycle.

So deep breath and back to working towards acceptance. This is it. This is my life. This is my reality.

Thank goodness for the supports around me, and for my determination and ridiculously strong will, and endless optimism. These are the only things that can keep me from falling right now at this very moment.

1 comment:

  1. Endure and persist; this pain will turn to your good.