Moments of Stillness

Almost a year ago, I wrote this post: being productive vs just being
I'm still figuring it out, but I finally understand just how important this is to my well being.

I am coming to understand, through the patient ministrations of my Osteopath, and through my own sojourning, that stillness is not something to look for, or seek, but rather something to allow. Today I actually fell into it, almost literally, a couple of times. And there was silence in my head, for a couple of seconds. It was so strange.

Almost like a pressure, a space filling, like a bubble, or a balloon, or the opposite, a vacuum being created by the pulling apart of my senses.

Once I got lost in the trees. They were swaying so prettily. And there was a squirrel and everything (a black one, for those folks who don't live in Ontario and get excited by such things). And then my thoughts intruded, and I watched them go past for a bit before they became conscious.

Insomnia and my Overactive Brain

I was good last night. I really was. I stayed away from the screens. I played sudoku to calm my brain. I lit a candle, played quiet music and did some stretching and breathing. And I turned out the light, blew out the candle, and lay very very still. But my mind did not.

I tried relaxation techniques. I tried breathing. I tried shifting positions. I tried tuning out. I tried going with it. I tried letting go and letting be. And when I looked at my clock, at 4am, I thought, this is stupid, and got out my book. I finally went to sleep at 6am. I'm trying not to use the melatonin or other sleeping aids, because my Osteopath said to, and I trust her. But if this continues, I may just have to break out the pills again.

Today, I've had a couple of moments of peace - slow thoughts, moments of no-thought. But it doesn't take long at all for my brain to come crashing in again; I have to empty the dishwasher, I'd love to go out and buy a latte, too bad they out of tortilla chips, I should check my e-mails (cuz you know there are so many urgent ones waiting for me - not), expertise is overrated, Montessori changed the world, doctors suck, what if this thing in Cali doesn't work out, I wonder it there really is mold in here, blah blah blah blah, and it all happens so fast half the time I can't even identify what my thoughts really are. Except for when they become diatribes, arguments and essays in my head, which go on for-e-v-e-r (kind of like my longer musing posts, and thesis presentation). I know this is all a cover for something. It's a cover for fear.

California, here we go

I received the news yesterday morning, that my father finally got me an appointment to see Neil Nathan in California. This is the doctor that specializes in complex and mysterious illnesses and people who fall through the cracks in the medical systems of the world, and who was recommended to me by my Osteopath and approved by my Naturopath.


I am happy, and I am relieved to have the appointment, and I am nervous. Anticipatory nerves. That's what I've got. This is a risk I'm taking, and my parents are taking with me. The risk is physical, and it is monetary. The possible payback is the return of my health. Worth it? Hell yes.


So off we go.


In the meantime, there is little change around here. I am still feeling low, physically, but my spirits are slowly returning. I am making a concentrated effort to focus on the things that make me happy, and on the things that bring me peace. Everything else is taking a back seat.


I am cocooning.


I am trying to slow my thoughts down, and make my brain take a break. I am quite literally hermit-ing myself away, relishing the idea that my boy is in good hands until Monday, and that there are no worries or pressing issues other than me, healing, and finding peace within my situation. Pretty important work, I'd say.


Thank-you for your ongoing support and caring. It means more than I can express.

I'm still here

It's been longer than usual between posts, mostly because of two factors: I still feel really crappy, although my emotional outlook is improving; although I now have a tablet (thanks to my brother in law who had an extra that he kindly donated to the cause of preserving my sanity) that allows me to actually get online at my parents' house without dragging myself up the stairs and sitting up at a desk, typing on a tablet keyboard is un-fun enough to stop me from writing. So now that I am home for one night (avoiding the cleaning lady who is going to arrive at my parents' house nice and early in the morning), I find myself yearning to post. About something. Anything. So... hi! Welcome back!

My physical reality has not shifted much since I last wrote unfortunately. I am having some moments of better energy, and of lessening of symptoms, but for the most part, I'm still really struggling with daily life. So welcome to my little pity party: My right foot is dragging again, quite a lot. I think it's a neurological thing. I'm shuffling, and I walk about as fast as my grandmother (who is turning 92 tomorrow - no - today! Amazing, eh?!). I get very lightheaded when I stand up at anything more than a turtle's pace. My head is all spinny, and my appetite is up and down. Walking to and from the kitchen has my heart racing. Climbing the stairs is a real ordeal. Sitting up for dinner makes me want to lie down again, and most of the time I am lounging, reclining or lying down. And that's only part of it.

waxing, waning, waxing, waning

I am still feeling pretty crappy. My symptoms are present and strong, my energy levels are low, and my circadian rhythms are way off. I realized yesterday that I haven't driven in more than two weeks. And this, according to my naturopath, is par for the course. And that has me feeling rather down, on top of the down-ness that comes with feeling the way I do physically.

I am now into week 2 of living with my parents. I am having a very hard time emotionally speaking. It is so much easier to busy myself, and my mind with inanities than face the emotions that this setback is bringing forth. And I understand a little bit better the dejection, jadedness, anger and bitterness that so many people who have been sick for a long time feel. But thats not who or how I want to be. So I keep working at it, but its hard to maintain a positive attitude right now.