Climbing Out Ever So Slowly

Last time I wrote, just over 3 months ago, I was scared and anxious about my energy leakage. Turns out I was right to be. I also expressed that I was sure this was another moment of growth. I was right about that too.

So what actually happened? Well, as my Facebook and real-life friends know, I was hit by a 'viral event', which turned into a serious sinus infection, and eventually developed into a full-blown 'immune event'. Quite literally overnight (again) I found myself going from feeling moderately unwell to 'holy crap I can't move, and how the hell do I make a cup of coffee again?' - the cognitive dysfunction was so bad that I had to ask my mother to make the decision to have me and my son stay at her house that night.

Now we are used to having the occasional stay-over for a day or two for health reasons and sometimes just for fun. But this stay turned out to be more stressful - partly because we had to leave the hedgie behind (poor thing! It broke my heart) and partly because my mind was so incredibly foggy that I quite literally could not comprehend my level of functionality. I had no way of knowing or being able to tell my sweet boy how long it would be before we could go home again, and that caused quite a bit of anxiety in both of us.

My fatigue and confusion were such that I could not even make myself a cup of tea. A simple cup of herbal tea! You know, boil water, open package, put bag in cup, pour water. That was too complicated. I would drag myself off the couch and stand there in the kitchen staring at the kettle blankly, then look at the cupboard for a while. Then I'd need to sit, because standing was too hard, and then I'd need to lie down again. No tea until somebody came home and could make it for me. So I scaled back on everything I was still trying to do. Allowed my mom and dad to totally take over, and rested.

I was at one point taking antivirals, antibiotics and steroidal nasal spray concurrently. When that finally started to do the trick, and I started feeling just the teensiest bit better again, another virus hit, and took hold even more fiercely. Bring on the next round of Antibiotics and lets have at it.

Last night I was finally able to walk three quarters of the stairs without stopping, and today I walked half a block on my own two feet (with the cane, mind). I am indeed coming out of this, whatever it is.

I am coming out stronger for what I've been through. I grieved again. I faced my fears again. With my parents' help I helped my son deal with his fears around what was happening to me. Our beautiful hedgie girl is now living quite happily in my son's classroom where she is getting more attention and has a cleaner cage than I could ever provide. My relationship with my family is stronger than ever. I've re-learn to listen to my body more carefully. I'm more ok with the 'is-ness' of whatever my reality is. I'm getting closer to being in a state of radical acceptance. I am experiencing a deeper integration of the idea that suffering is optional, even when reality sucks.

I learned this time around, how to gauge whether my time spent on anything is nurturing or draining    - there is a certain quality to action and inaction alike, and I'm tuning into that. I've learned that even when I can't do anything else, if I don't do anything at all creative, even if it's the slightest, tiniest little thing, I am miserable. I'm also learning how to be with my thoughts, rather than live in them, and that is a huge shift for me.

I'm hoping that soon, before school is out, I will be able to get home, although just thinking about it is overwhelming at the moment - maybe tomorrow it won't be! One day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time. This, here, now, writing, it feels good. And then I will rest :)