Up up up down

So as you may have noticed, I've had a period of relatively high energy and low symptoms. And now it's over.

Since January, I enjoyed a bit of a change, where I was able to get out of the house a little bit more, be at peace in my mind, and just generally emerge from my cocooned state a little bit. There are, however, common pitfalls in that state, and I'm afraid I fell into a couple. I am now in the process of forgiving myself for that, and of changing the habits of mind that led me there.

So what happened, you ask? Simple. I fell into old habits. I am used to doing and approaching things in certain ways (head on, full force and in totality). In the last two years, I've learned how expensive that is to my physical well-being. I learned how to pull back, and slow down. I learned to say no, and to do things a little bit at a time. It was hard, and at the same time, I had direct and clear reinforcement - periods of extreme compensation, where my body would remind me of these lessons.


However, as I started to gain energy and as my symptoms lessened these last couple of months, I forgot. I forgot how delicate the balance is. My body did not react as strongly, and so I started to ignore the faintest warning signs again. I allowed my excitement over being able to do little things, like pick my son up from school, and climb the stairs, to override the subtle physiological changes. And so for the last couple of weeks, I have been more active, and the more active I am, the busier my mind gets and when my mind is busy, well, we all know what happens: my body gets shut out and all hell breaks loose.

So when my Osteopath confirmed that I was indeed "leaking", and gave me a really big treatment, I found myself unable to move again. And yet life continued moving at the same speed, and it was too fast.

I am dragging my foot again. I am woozy, and my limbs are really heavy. My cognitive impairment was really evident when I went to see my doctor, and I answered questions in ways that had her and my sister both scratching their heads. And yet, here I am writing, because there is so much in here that I gotta get it out.

And here's the kicker: when I get like this, it is much harder to see the space between myself and the stressors in my life. So the stress response kicks in and the sympathetic system is activated and it is really really hard to rest. I feel anxious, and scared, and sad, and angry.

This will pass. I will regain balance. I will find ways to reconnect to the wise woman inside me, and to live in a parasympathetic state again. I will. I just will. I know I will.

I will allow myself the time and space I need to get there again, and I will rest to the best of my ability, and I will accept that my ability to rest is compromised right now, and I will forgive myself for this. I will believe and know deep down that this is part of my process, my journey, and will bring me to higher places of learning and recovery. I will.

Thanks.