Cancellation

Bet you never thought you'd hear from me again so soon. Don't know if I've EVER posted two days in a row. But today was a really hard and significant day.

I woke up feeling like crap. I could barely move, and considered cancelling my therapy appointment, but something inside me knew I needed to go. So I did. And I spent practically the whole hour in tears. I had a heartwrenching decision to make that I didn't even realize I was considering making. The end result, I am not going camping this weekend.

The significance comes from my making this decision from a place of self-care, of self-awareness and of really weighing the costs. What's new about this is that I really am learning to balance my needs and my wants when they are out of whack. And in this case, they are majorly out of whack.

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically, and I know this was the right decision, but I am so very very sad. I feel like this illness has already taken so much from me, and why does it have to take even more? Days like this it is very difficult to remember what I have gained, what I have learned and how I have grown.

I know I will look back on this day as a turning point, as the moment when caring about the cost to my health was more important than the desire to follow through with plans, the fear of letting people down, and the grief of missing out on a seriously wonderful experience. But right now, I'm just sad and disappointed, and tired.

I am going to rest now, and hope that sleep comes to play tonight.