I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Thursday, 21 June 2012

So good.

The other day, I woke up feeling... ok... and it was so... weird!

Last week was a little bit difficult, quite trippy, and very much a time for turtling. My Osteopath, bless her soul, has started to work on my brain. When I saw Dr. Nathan in California, he had mentioned the blood flow to my brain causing swelling of some sort likely being an issue, and that there was a possibility that the Osteopath would be able to do something about it. If she could not (and he did say then and there that he is not able to do it himself through osteopathic treatment), he could do it using a big fancy SPECT machine.

At the end of our last session, she said that she had started working on it. Apparently, there is torsion (quite literally - a twisting compression) in my brain stem, occipital lobe and part of my temporal lobe, which has been there for a very long time. This explains so very very much. I mean really! The brain stem is responsible for heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and so forth. It also has to do with motor control and sensory analysis, and - oh, get this! - sleep and levels of consciousness. Hmmmm. The occipital lobe is all about visual processing, and the temporal lobe  - well - it is responsible for hearing, memory, meaning, and language, plays a role in emotion and learning, and interpreting and processing auditory stimuli. Yeah. Explain some of my symptoms much?

So as my Osteopath does whatever incredible thing it is she does, my brain is straightening itself out, and creating a new holding pattern. And this is great not only because it's healing, but because I am healthy enough to handle this level of treatment. That is a huge step. It also means that I am in a period of serious adjustment. Last week, I spent practically from Tuesday to Saturday on the couch - integrating is what she calls it. Resting and turtling and cocooning and doing not much of anything is what I call it. Potayto potahto. It amounts to the same thing. My body spoke loud and clear, and told me to stay put. So I did.

For that time, I felt fatigued, but in a completely different way than what I have become used to feeling fatigued. I felt like there was actually something going on underneath the layers of heaviness. And it made it more tolerable, acceptable, and even, desirable, to feel like crap for those day - because I knew there was healing going on, and that's where my energy - all of it - needed to be going. My appetite dropped to practically nothing. I slept like crazy. I barely moved. And then, suddenly, just like that, on Sunday I woke up feeling like the week before. And Monday was even better. And yesterday was actually - ok! Now this is all relative, you understand, right? Ok for me is not ok for you. But it gets even better, because I'm hardly feeling PENE today, even though I went to the school show on Tuesday night, met with my successor yesterday, picked up my son from a playdate, and went to see the Osteopath again this morning. And yet, I'm ok enough to finish writing this (I started yesterday).

I am now starting to get tired, and feel the energy draining away, but I can still feel something working - I can feel that every last drop is going towards my healing right now. It is truly an awe-inspiring sensation. I feel a clarity I had not felt in a long long time, and something that comes close to refreshment.

This is going to take some time - 6 to 8 months she said - for my brain to really set a new, healthy pattern. I am to guard this new clear energy as I would a small flame in a gust of wind. I am to keep in mind all the lessons I've learned, the experienced I've had and the growth I've had in these months, to remind myself of where I've been and where I'm going, and how to get there, and stay in the healing process.

So right now, I can feel my eyes closing, I can feel my elbows reaching down down down for the couch, and my wrists having more and more trouble holding up my hands, and my fingers are slowing down as they search the keyboard for the correct sequence of letters. And yet, I feel good. This is good. So very very good.


  1. Lots of ups and downs but each time I have seen you in the past month or so, you have been looking better each time! All the pieces are going to fall into place. Keep your positive outlook and remember even when you are having a tough time that we are all cheering for you! xo

    1. Thank-you, Carolyn! The overall trend is a good one, for sure. Hope you are enjoying your weekend of relative quiet and solitude :)

  2. Just got time (or more accurately, a source of enough electricity) to catch up with your blog. Sounds like the treatment is really starting to kick in - really glad that only took months and not years!