I always thought of blogs as being narcissistic, business related, or as my sister's, a way of keeping in touch or memorializing.

But, by necessity, I am learning a lot about myself. I find I need to get my thoughts out, and it helps me to know that someone else will read them. So I have created this little space for myself, to express the things I have trouble saying (be it emotional or physical trouble), to share what I'm going through, and what I'm learning through it.

I absolutely welcome comments. It's nice to know how people relate to what I'm saying.
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Monday, 19 March 2012

Springing Forward

I'm not sure if it's the sleep I'm finally getting, the weather brightening up, the longer hours of daylight, the fresh air I can finally start getting again, or a wonderful combination of all of the above, but I am feeling moment of actual (relative, please understand, it's still relative), refreshment. Aah.

My mood has lifted, and that always changes everything. Once again, I have managed to steer clear of a full-blown depression, but the last few months, as you will know if you've been following the little I have written, have been rather difficult and dreary. It has taken much turtling (a few of us spoonies came up with this evocative comparison in conversation to describe when we make like turtles - see the turtle, feel the turtle, be the turtle - go slow, and hide in your shell if you have to), escapism, conversations, exploration of my psyche, and surrender to evade the darker moods, but I am happy now to be writing from the other side.

This weekend did nothing but reinforce all the positive. It was busy, but armed with my turtling capabilities and a lot of support from my parents and my boy, I made it through and avoided the dreaded PENE - I'm even well enough to have used my brain quite a bit already, and gone to see my Osteopath, and be writing this. I am so happy, I want to shout it out, nice and loud!

I will settle instead for writing about it. Here, where everyone who cares to do so can read it. It started with an impromptu playdate that turned into an impromptu sleepover. My son brought a friend over for Shabbat dinner, and so I spent time with the whole family and my son's friend. I got to have some really nice sister-time, as my niece and nephews are getting to be increasingly independent during these events. The next morning was just as loud and busy in the house, but I managed to both spend a bit of time with my mom, my sister, her kids, my son and his friend and also get some rest in there. Which made it possible to go out on my first real outing in what seems like forever.

So good it felt, to be downtown for the first time in I don't know how long - to visit a museum, and have my great friend, mom and son take turns pushing me around. To experience the sreets, full of people and noise. When we left the museum, I did need to lie down for a little while, and found a place to do so, where the others could sit and chat with me. The way home was tough, but I made it, and shuffled my way all the way from the car to the couch, and by night time, I was able to almost walk normally. The next day I was back to the previous morning's levels of energy and ability.

So I went to the movies. Without a wheelchair. And sat through the Phantom Menace. I survived Natalie Portman's wooden acting, and had to close my eyes during the pod race and attack on the Trade Federation's station, but really, overall, enjoyed greatly sitting next to my boy as he re-discovered the joy that is the Star Wars saga. He loved it, all except for the boring political bits, during which he turned to me every two seconds to ask "when do they have the war with the droids?" "when does the forcefield come up?" "When do they blow them up?" "Where did Darth Maul go?" Clearly, 9 year old boys are more interested in the action bits. So am I for that matter!  But the best part for me, was when Ani says goodbye to Shmi, and he said to me "it's hard to say good-bye to your mom forever." And, yes, I actually did cry.

And after all that activity, today has been a pretty good day. Well enough to handle my own breakfast, tea, a trip to the Osteopath, some time outside, and even read out loud to the boy a bit. And now you know why I am so very very happy. For the first time in a long time, I feel like maybe it's not all about this or that, but maybe, just maybe, I can do this AND that. I'll try again tomorrow!

1 comment:

  1. The turtle won the race :) Sounds like you are back on track, that's wonderful news!