The Chronic aspect of Chronic Illness

I hope one day I can get off this see-saw.

I've been re-reading some of my older entries, and been quite surprised at how long I've been off work, how little has changed, and at the same time how much has changed. Some really strong themes going on, still... and probably forever.

In any case, I've been re-reading them because I've had a really rough month. I wanted to check, and yes, it's true, I've been in and out of my parents house now for about 18 months. I've been unable to function independently for over a year, and I don't like it.

I'm turning 40 this year. This is not what I thought I'd be doing at 40. I'm in the process of grieving again. My optimism is still intact, for sure, in a more cautious and tempered way, though. The events of the last couple of years are most definitely taking their toll.

I'd love to know if it's a common experience... I'm sure there are stages that people go through as the years of being chronically ill pass... Maybe one day I will feel up to looking it up. It would help me to know that others who are as affected by their illness go through similar patterns.

Oh you're done with that cold? Good, here's another one!

Well, my cold stayed. Lasted long enough to send me back to Mom and Dad's. The plan for staying one day turned into three weeks and counting. Then the cold turned into a sinus infection. The good news is that I noticed! I was able to get on the antibiotics before I was completely out of it. The other good news is that the antibiotics did their work. The bad news is that just as I was finishing the antibiotics, getting my appetite back and thinking going home was close, I caught another cough. I seem to be at the end of this one, so hopes are rising... but I'm still here, watching carefully to see if this one is going to sneak up and take hold in my sinuses.

Here's the really scary part: this is just what happened last year that set off my 9-month stay at Mom and Dad's. It's really really hard not to think about that. It's really hard to stay here, and now, and not go back to last year, or forward to nine months from now.

As for now, well, tomorrow we have over a dozen boys descending upon us to celebrate my son's 11th birthday. I want to be there, and at the same time I want desperately to hide away in a quiet(ish) little corner somewhere.

Ah well.
Thanks for following along.