The sun will come out. My alarm will wake me. I will wake my child, and happy or not, he will get ready, eat breakfast and go to school. I will meet with my online support group (via skype - I am still doing that one, because unlike the boards from which I have taken a break, there is no drama here; there is no perceived need to be constantly checking in on people, threads and discussions 24/7, and there is no misdirected and spiraling anger fueled by misinformation and gossip). I will rest. I will eat lunch. I will get dressed. I will rest again. Then I will go to school.
Yes, you read that right. I am going to school.
A few weeks ago I was given the go-ahead by my naturopath to begin volunteering no more than 4 hours of flex time a week. I made the mistake of telling my OT about it thinking to get her professional advice, and next thing I know she has reported this to the insurance company (but she recommends a fixed schedule all on-site, which is contrary to flex hours... and she did not report the misgivings I shared with her about getting my personal life in order first), and I'm having meetings, and discussing projects and getting all swept up in the excitement, and now I even have forms to fill out from the insurance company to track my hours.
My osteopath does not think volunteering at all is a good idea for me quite yet, and I do wish I had spoken to her before speaking to the OT (who by the way, is no longer a part of my life), but I did not - I went with the joy and excitement of feeling able to start taking baby steps towards returning to the school I love so dearly - and I am now committed to doing this, so here we go. My head is spinning a bit, and I am very honestly very excited and having a very hard time switching gears.
Almost a year now, I've been home. Almost a year, I've been cocooning, and focusing the vast majority of my energy inwards, learning about my body and my needs, and how to meet them. And within a span of a couple of weeks since I opened my mouth without thinking things through or following my instinct (which was not to trust the OT), I am now facing tomorrow.
If you're a regular reader, you know that being at school is bittersweet. It is a huge ego-boost, because the children get really excited to see me. It is lovely to see my colleagues and catch up with my friends. Besides, it is a warm and nurturing space. It is also an exhilarating and energetic place, which I used to love and now makes me feel tentative about spending a chunk of time there. Being there, however, is also a reminder of "who I used to be", and of the loss I've had to grieve. It brings it home how much recuperation is still ahead for me and how uncertain life is.
I think it is very natural for me to have mixed feelings tonight. I think it is normal to be wondering whether I will be able to last the two hours, and whether I will need to cocoon more seriously tomorrow evening. I am purposely making no other plans for this week, leaving everything open, in case the worst comes to pass and I need to compensate for a few days.
Tomorrow I will feel anticipatory nervousness, and I will do what I can to respond to that with stillness, and awareness. And no matter what happens, how long my "visit" lasts, or how much I "get done", I will enjoy every single second of it, without reservation.
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