Quieting my Overactive Brain by Shifting Attention, and the End of My Insomnia

It is interesting to me that the post I wrote about insomnia back in February is one of the most-read pages in my entire blog. There seem to be an awful lot of people looking for solutions to insomnia related to illness and/or overactive brains. Insomnia, true insomnia, is devastating (Fight Club wasn't all that far off!). I want to thank the reader who e-mailed me privately to tell me how she thought she was alone in this; you inspired me to come back and share my answer to you with the rest of the world. And then some :)  Because in thinking about what I wrote you, I realize that finding a sleep solution was very much tied in to how I distract my brain, and how different that is from truly quieting it. I am hoping to find a more permanent, quiet-based sleep solution that requires no distraction in the long run. In the meantime, though, I'll do what it takes to get the sleep I need!

I did find a solution that works for me, for now, and since there seem to be so many people looking, I will share it, even though I don't believe there is a one-size fits all.

First, I followed all the standard Sleep Hygiene rules - I'm sure if you've been struggling with insomnia, you know all about these. The most impactful of these for me was leaving my laptop downstairs when I went to bed. None of that was enough for me, though, because every time I turned out the light and lay down my brain started up again. So I threw out one of those rules, and got out my book again. Here's how I got back to sleep:

Rambling Update

I've been wanting to write for a while, and I just can't seem to figure out what it is I need/want to say.

I am doing pretty well. Survived the Jewish and family holidays, and all the discombobulation of schedules that they inevitably bring. Adding to my disorientation were changes in my son's schedule due to relatively mild complications in his stepmom's pregnancy and impending birth of his half-sister. I was sure it was Monday all day Wednesday. It was not. It was indeed Wednesday. I checked. Various times. It was Wednesday every time.

Health-wise, I was very relieved to hear, and am so super happy to report that these shifts and changes did not deplete my slowly yet steadily growing energy reserve. YAY! Although they did tire me out, and I had a hard time maintaining my levels of peaceful acceptance. Especially when my house was playdate central.

Energy Reserves

We have word, and the word is good.

I am now at the phase in my healing where I am starting to build a healthy energy reserve! This is so super exciting, that I need to really be very careful what I do with that excitement.

When my Osteopath finished her treatment yesterday, she turned and said "Now we need to have that talk we have to have when people start really healing." The talk consisted of her explaining how the energy reserve works, how to cultivate it, and to not under any circumstance for any reason try to start anything new for at least 12 weeks.

So I am taking from now until 2013 as an extended break. I am determined to focus on integrating all the psycho-emotional and spiritual growth I've experienced over the last two years, to ensure that should I regain prior levels of energy, stamina and ability, I will continue on the path I have begun.

Identity Breaking

My Osteopath is back! I am a happy happy girl. First thing after catching up, was treatment to help my body integrate the immune-boosting-bug-killing pills I'm taking.

I am glad to report that I am no longer feeling ill effects from the Transfer Factor, and that one pill every three days seems to be working very nicely for me. Apparently, not having immediate ill effects, however, does not mean my body is actually responding as well as it could... thus the jagged ups and downs, and the extreme reaction to air pressure drops, and other such variable reactions to various stimuli. I can honestly say that I am feeling remarkably better this weekend.

What I am now processing is the idea that I would be very well served, especially in my healing, by not attaching myself - boxing myself in, if you will - by creating and re-creating identities and identifiers for myself.

Change and the Physiological Response

Oh. My. God! I just got it. I wrote the title to this, and I got it. See, this is why I blog! Wow.

I was about to write that my dear friend, Maggie, who sometimes comments on my posts, came over last night, and we both being so intrigued by life, brains, and personal growth, got to talking about my brain and symptoms, and those of someone close to her with a mental health issue, and how they compare (a lot of them are frighteningly similar). Then I wrote "Change and the Physiological Response" and I flashed to this morning, and my involvement with the Montessori Canadian centenary celebration, and my involvement with people in general, and my distinct need to cocoon, especially when flaring. It all makes sense now.

Ok, let me go back a bit. Before I went into a state of extreme healing, I had some resistance to change, as we all do. However, I was also incredibly spontaneous, and made a real effort through most of my adult life to let go of that, and I was quite successful - you have to be to a) live with my family, and b) work in a Montessori setting. No option. At all. But since I've been home, I've been getting this really strong reaction to the slightest unexpected situations. I know how it comes off - it comes off as me being cranky and stubborn. But it's not - it's an actual physiological response.

So good.

The other day, I woke up feeling... ok... and it was so... weird!

Last week was a little bit difficult, quite trippy, and very much a time for turtling. My Osteopath, bless her soul, has started to work on my brain. When I saw Dr. Nathan in California, he had mentioned the blood flow to my brain causing swelling of some sort likely being an issue, and that there was a possibility that the Osteopath would be able to do something about it. If she could not (and he did say then and there that he is not able to do it himself through osteopathic treatment), he could do it using a big fancy SPECT machine.

At the end of our last session, she said that she had started working on it. Apparently, there is torsion (quite literally - a twisting compression) in my brain stem, occipital lobe and part of my temporal lobe, which has been there for a very long time. This explains so very very much. I mean really! The brain stem is responsible for heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and so forth. It also has to do with motor control and sensory analysis, and - oh, get this! - sleep and levels of consciousness. Hmmmm. The occipital lobe is all about visual processing, and the temporal lobe  - well - it is responsible for hearing, memory, meaning, and language, plays a role in emotion and learning, and interpreting and processing auditory stimuli. Yeah. Explain some of my symptoms much?

A New Doc, A New Hope

Yes, the Star Wars reference is purposeful, and if you didn't get it, then you can't have a conversation with my nephew :)  ... and let that be an indication on my mindset, coming out of my first meeting with my new doctor, for which I have traveled real nice and far, to what feels like a galaxy far far away.

So first things first - I am not dealing with mold or other biotoxicity (Yay! I get to go home!!!!). While I already knew that my illness had a viral onset, it seems that it also has a viral cause. The question then becomes whether the initial virus has stayed in my system and keeps reactivating, or whether it just whacked things so out of balance that it has taken me this long to get over it. The doc says it honestly doesn't matter so much in terms of treatment, though he did test for the more likely suspects, and once those results are in, he will decide which course of action is best for me. In the meantime, the big things to balance out are my adrenals and thyroid.

Stairs and Swelling

The last couple of days have been amazingly good, in terms of my energy levels, and mood. I feel like things are coming back together for me, and I could not be more pleased. However. The last few days have also brought on an eczema flare like I haven't had in 8 years.

I woke up on Monday, and my ears were a little itchy. Then in the afternoon, so were my hands, and my cheeks a little. And then the red splotches appeared. In what I can only imagine was a mis-guided effort, I iced one of my cheeks last night, because it was burning. When I woke up this morning, I could barely see out of that eye, it was so swollen.

In the meantime, this week, I have had some really great moments; I surprised myself by making it all the way up the stairs in one go, I went home, I did some pre-packing for the trip to Cali, and I even brainstormed with my Mom on school stuff.

California, here we go

I received the news yesterday morning, that my father finally got me an appointment to see Neil Nathan in California. This is the doctor that specializes in complex and mysterious illnesses and people who fall through the cracks in the medical systems of the world, and who was recommended to me by my Osteopath and approved by my Naturopath.


I am happy, and I am relieved to have the appointment, and I am nervous. Anticipatory nerves. That's what I've got. This is a risk I'm taking, and my parents are taking with me. The risk is physical, and it is monetary. The possible payback is the return of my health. Worth it? Hell yes.


So off we go.


In the meantime, there is little change around here. I am still feeling low, physically, but my spirits are slowly returning. I am making a concentrated effort to focus on the things that make me happy, and on the things that bring me peace. Everything else is taking a back seat.


I am cocooning.


I am trying to slow my thoughts down, and make my brain take a break. I am quite literally hermit-ing myself away, relishing the idea that my boy is in good hands until Monday, and that there are no worries or pressing issues other than me, healing, and finding peace within my situation. Pretty important work, I'd say.


Thank-you for your ongoing support and caring. It means more than I can express.

Mold? California? So confused...

I finally got in to see my osteopath regarding these colds that won't go away and she laid down a potential shocker. Turns out, this could be mold masquerading as a cold. Oh joy.

I know nothing about mold, beyond that it's harmful, can cause all kinds of yucky reactions in humans, and is ridiculously hard to get rid of. I really really hope that I will not have to learn more about it than that. I will find out whether that is necessary after checking my and my parent's houses. Sigh. Really, none of us are up to dealing with this right now. But you do what you have to do.

In the meantime, a great many very interesting things came out of our session, and I am finding myself at yet another moment of decision making - crossroads like. This whole healing thing would be so much easier if there were just one expert who would tell me what to do and how to do it. But Nooooooo. Not only is this particular condition so mysterious and complicated that nobody yet understands what it is, or even if it is one single thing, rather than a bunch of different yet similarly presenting illnesses all being lumped under one name. So there is no one book to read, no one path to follow.

there is sickness here but I am not sick

I've been in a bit of a funk for the last few days. I have had moments of tremendous enjoyment, especially the moments I spend with my boy, who is back home, happy, healthy and very much himself. But I also find that I've been irritated more easily, feeling lost, and plenty shut-down. My symptoms, especially the ones related to my central nervous system are exacerbated right now, and I still can't quite seem to kick this cold.

This morning, when my boy got up bright and early to get ready for his winter break camp, and asked me to join him in watching TV, I did, but I curled up on the couch, and tucked my head in as far into my shoulder as I could, just to share the space with him without going crazy with the sensory stimulation, hot/cold feelings, and general heaviness of my body. I spent the rest of the morning catching up on Facebook and realizing just how awful my body was feeling. It still is. Writing is hard right now, but I think it will help.

In a moment of clarity, I decided to turn off the computer after lunch and started instead to read "How to Be Sick" the bible of many chronically ill people by Toni Bernhard. It helped. She also has ME. She also doesn't know what that means, 10 years into being house-bound. To be honest, I am hoping not to be as house-bound as I am for another 10 years. But if that is what happens, I guess I will deal with it in much the same way as I've dealt with it thus far.

Still Under the Weather

It has now been a full week with the cold. And I am still feeling rather miserable. However, I am happy to report that my Osteopath said that the pattern of healing going on underneath this cold is still strong and steady.

She explained more about her methods to my mother in our session today, and I wish I could explain it, but I can't. All I can say is that the more I see her, the more I am convinced that this is the way I am going to heal, and I deepen my impression of the parallels between what she does and Montessori.

One of the things she mentioned again, which is one of the things I love about going to see her, is that whereas everyone else I see health-wise is focused on what's wrong with me, she is focused on what's right - what's going on that is allowing me to heal, and what my innate natural patterns are.

Tomorrow - Andy the Volunteer

The sun will come out. My alarm will wake me. I will wake my child, and happy or not, he will get ready, eat breakfast and go to school. I will meet with my online support group (via skype - I am still doing that one, because unlike the boards from which I have taken a break, there is no drama here; there is no perceived need to be constantly checking in on people, threads and discussions 24/7, and there is no misdirected and spiraling anger fueled by misinformation and gossip). I will rest. I will eat lunch. I will get dressed. I will rest again. Then I will go to school.

Yes, you read that right. I am going to school.

A few weeks ago I was given the go-ahead by my naturopath to begin volunteering no more than 4 hours of flex time a week. I made the mistake of telling my OT about it thinking to get her professional advice, and next thing I know she has reported this to the insurance company (but she recommends a fixed schedule all on-site, which is contrary to flex hours... and she did not report the misgivings I shared with her about getting my personal life in order first), and I'm having meetings, and discussing projects and getting all swept up in the excitement, and now I even have forms to fill out from the insurance company to track my hours.

Letting go of Time

Today, my osteopath told me to stay away from strict routines. I love her for that. And I welcome her support in changing that aspect of my perspective on life.

I've written before (and more than once, I think) about how I struggle with clock time - how I'm often late, how I lose time, how I go into flow so easily and all that. I have a hard time with logging, scheduling and such things. I rebel against them. And yet, the self-help course, the doctors, the OT, the naturopath... they are all focused on me doing certain things every day, preferably at the same time, on a routine basis. So to be told that I need to break from that and honour my own being and its needs at any given moment is just liberating and feels awesome!

And of course, it comes at a perfect time in my journey.

I am actually reading The Power of Now, and it's been a few weeks since I did any logging, or lists. I have freed up a good deal of clock-time and energy by taking a break from online forums, and I even dropped out of the self-help course, because I wasn't finding I could keep up with it. So no goals, no tracking, no nothing for a few weeks, and I've been feeling great, even while using all my energy to fight a  cold last week (hence the lack of posts).

My Overworked Brain

Of the many things that surprised me during my appointment with the Osteopath is that she noticed my brain. I don't know how she does it, and I don't particularly need to understand it, either. What matters is what she told me, and that is that my brain never rests. Ever. It is completely and utterly overworked. I am hyper-vigilant. Aware of things that most people never notice. I am always thinking, planning, remembering, rehashing, conversing, composing, singing and wondering, all in my head.

I asked her if this is a common thing, because, you know, my brain automatically has a thousand questions when I am told things like this. She said that it is not at all common. Most people's brains have periods of rest. But not mine.

So what's happened since the appointment is I've turned that hyper-awareness inwards, and oh my goodness, I am overwhelmed by how true her statement is. It really never stops. I notice it now, when I'm waking up, when I'm eating, driving, walking, getting dressed... no matter what I'm doing - unless I concentrate on my senses with all my consciousness, there is always something going on up there. Even when I'm in a conversation, or when I'm watching TV or reading, I will catch myself going off on a tangent in my head. And it's fast. I also have to focus on the inner dialogue to be able to hear it - otherwise it's just background stuff that is constantly chattering away.

Osteopathy - the Montessori of medicine?

I have had three amazing days in a row. I can only attribute this to two things. One, the methylation protocol is working. Two, I had my first Osteopath appointment. And as I learned, osteopathy has little to do, and yet everything to do, with bones.

I came to Osteopathy on three recommendations, and I have a feeling I will not be looking back. I'm trying to be cautious in my optimism, but I don't know that I can be, or that I should be, anymore. The truth is that I am far more aware, and my energy has been as close to normal as it has been since I first relapsed back in December. The other thing is that from everything I know so far (which is not much at all in my brain, but lots in my gut) Osteopathy is to medicine what Montessori is to education. It is a completely different modality than that which we are used to.

To start off, as in Montessori, there is no official regulating body (accreditation bodies, and associations, yes, but no regulation) and nothing to stop anyone from calling themselves an Osteopath - at least not here in Ontario. So it is very much a buyer beware situation - if you want the real thing, you have to know what you are looking for, and you have to check that you are getting it. In my case, I was looking for an Osteopath practicing biodynamic Osteopathy, whose education is vast and includes several years of European study. I found her based on two things - recommendation and gut feeling. There is no doubt in my mind or my body or my spirit, that this is the right health practitioner for me at this moment in my life.