Another Missed Event

I am getting used to missing events I would like to attend. It's easier every time. I rarely give it a second thought nowadays. But today is a teensy bit different.

There is an association for Montessori teachers, and today is their (our!) annual conference. It is a big deal. 200 or so people who are dedicated (on some level or another) to making this a better world for our children come together to get inspired, refresh themselves, and deepen their understanding of what our profession is and does. My mother was once the president of this organization, and at another time delivered the keynote address. I am technically on the board of the association, although as you can imagine, my contributions have been minimal. I've been published in the organization's newsletter more than a couple of times. I obviously feel connected to this organization, and to the conference.

Since the year I took the Montessori training, I have attended the conference, and enjoyed the networking, the catching up, the gossip and the inspiration. But it's hard to describe what it feels like to sit next to my mother at each and every keynote address (usually in the front row, because those seats are always free, and cuz we like it up close and personal) and through every AGM. We share a mutual pride and purpose. We point things out to each other, take notes, nudge each other, giggle together, roll our eyes when it is warranted, and then we talk about it the whole way home - what we learned, what we thought was silly, who we saw, and who we didn't see. That's what we've done for the past - what is it - 7 years or so.

It is a day that we have together, that we share. Where we can talk Montessori without necessarily planning and coordinating things for the school. Where we refresh energies and take the time to refocus.

So today what I feel like I'm missing more than anything is that - the shared day. I know my mom is missing me. And I miss her today. More than being at the conference, I miss sitting next to her, and the long car ride home.

I remember as a child, the board meetings at our house. The teachers would fill up the living room, sitting on the couches, extra chairs, and many of them on the floor (a very natural place for a Montessorian), all with their pads of paper, scribbling away and constantly talking. Discussing things I did not understand. I remember thinking how important my Mom must be to lead all these grown-ups like that. I mean, really, it's one thing to lead a classroom and another altogether to chair meetings and lead an organization - at least it was to my child's mind. My opinion has changed somewhat!

I don't kid myself that a big part of the reason I support this organization is because of those childhood experiences. I know I'm not her, but what little girl with an awesome mom doesn't want to be like her mommy? I am finding my own way through the Montessori world as an adult and a professional, and I no longer want to be like her, rather, I want to me like me. But I don't doubt for a second that her path has influenced mine in a HUGE way.

This morning, that mommy reminded me that this is not an event that would support my healing in any way, and so it makes perfect sense for me to stay home. I feel perfectly at peace with that. And I am happy, that even though I can't be there in person, and even though I have not been able to contribute much this year, I have been asked to remain on the board, to continue to throw in opinions as I can, and to lead the charge for a stronger online presence. And since I spent so much time online nowadays, I think that is really the perfect project for me.  As my healing takes hold, I do hope to be able to start attending meetings, and contributing in a greater way. But first, it has to take hold.