Landing

It's been about a month now that I'm home. It still feels like a new experience. I'm most definitely still in a period of adjustment and reorientation, and I am more at peace with that than ever before.

My kitchen has yet to back up to the point I have to call in for reinforcements. A day at most of unwashed dishes. We've done the laundry - once (it's a good thing we both have plenty of underpants). We mopped the floor in the entryway once. I've had a few showers. My son is having regular showers. We're both sleeping well. We're both eating well. My fridge is not full of rotting food.

Presence and my Immune system

In the last few months, I've had several colds. The exciting thing has been that they actually feel like colds. For the last three years, every time I've had a cold, it's felt like an intensification of my usual symptoms. I didn't get runny noses, or congestion (although my sinuses did get backed up), coughs or sore throats. Now, though, that's exactly what happens, and strange as it may seem, it is great news! It means my immune system is working somewhat normally! When I wake up and can't breathe and my throat is all scratchy, I feel happy and relieved. Weird but true.

So with my immune system actually functional, my so far successful homecoming, and my energy reserves continuing to build, I'm once again feeling cautiously optimistic about my prognosis. Especially so because even through the several colds I've had the last few months, I've been able to stay present and relatively embodied. That is pretty cool - and a huge accomplishment for me.

Coming Home

Today a friend told me she misses reading my blog. Her saying that meant so much to me, that I've decided to see if blogging still fits me.

I did not return to my home in June. I returned to my home just in time for winter break. I returned with a child who is almost one year older. With my health in steadier, yet not all that much "better" shape. With the determination to change whatever needs to change so that I can stay here, and start to live a more independent life once again.

My energy leakage has been patched up, and I have spent the last 9 months learning how to keep it that way.

Quick update since the last time I wrote, for those who like to know what's going on medically speaking... I have started the GcMAF treatments, and I still cringe every time I have to inject myself. The result however, is a much steadier functionality level - an evening out of the see-sawing if you will - and a faster bounce-back from smaller decompensationary periods. I've been taking dessicated thyroid, which has increased my energy levels (yay!) and decreased the cognitive dysfunciton (double yay!). I've also tested positive for mycotoxins, and have begun a detoxing/binding treatment, to be followed by something or another that will actually get rid of them.

Being home again has been a process of re-orientation and rediscovery. I am grateful to the friends and family who helped me get myself settled, and so very very proud of this child who is taking responsibility for much of the housekeeping.

Since we've come home, we've already dealt with the ice storm, a cold for him, a cold for me, Christmas, a stomach bug for him, and New Years. And I'm still here. Not bad...

I am most enjoying the quiet. The shared quiet moments, like right now. These are the best!

Climbing Out Ever So Slowly

Last time I wrote, just over 3 months ago, I was scared and anxious about my energy leakage. Turns out I was right to be. I also expressed that I was sure this was another moment of growth. I was right about that too.

So what actually happened? Well, as my Facebook and real-life friends know, I was hit by a 'viral event', which turned into a serious sinus infection, and eventually developed into a full-blown 'immune event'. Quite literally overnight (again) I found myself going from feeling moderately unwell to 'holy crap I can't move, and how the hell do I make a cup of coffee again?' - the cognitive dysfunction was so bad that I had to ask my mother to make the decision to have me and my son stay at her house that night.

Up up up down

So as you may have noticed, I've had a period of relatively high energy and low symptoms. And now it's over.

Since January, I enjoyed a bit of a change, where I was able to get out of the house a little bit more, be at peace in my mind, and just generally emerge from my cocooned state a little bit. There are, however, common pitfalls in that state, and I'm afraid I fell into a couple. I am now in the process of forgiving myself for that, and of changing the habits of mind that led me there.

So what happened, you ask? Simple. I fell into old habits. I am used to doing and approaching things in certain ways (head on, full force and in totality). In the last two years, I've learned how expensive that is to my physical well-being. I learned how to pull back, and slow down. I learned to say no, and to do things a little bit at a time. It was hard, and at the same time, I had direct and clear reinforcement - periods of extreme compensation, where my body would remind me of these lessons.

Therapy

This one's going to be personal. I know what you're thinking, all my posts are personal. Yes, they are. But not like talking about therapy. I mean really, you can't get more personal. So why? Because it's come up a few times in the last little while, that I end up talking about my experience with therapy, and I happen to have an awful lot of it to share!

So what is therapy? In many ways, it's easier to say what it's not. It's not someone telling you how to fix your problems. It's not a friendship. It's not about exposing every aspect of yourself. It's not about just getting validation or being told you're awesome. It's also not about "oh poor me" "there there." It's not about blame or shame, or navel-gazing-style, or wallowing, or self-aggrandization. It is most definitely not just for people with mental health issues, severe or otherwise. It's not hard, but it's also not easy.

It is more like an exploration of what it is that shapes you and your relationship to everything in this world, including yourself, guided by someone who is able to compassionately help you see things you don't necessarily want to see, so you can get past them and live a happier healthier life. It's about airing the things you can't talk about with your friends and family and in doing so taking away their power over you. It's about getting through the harder bits and pieces of life without crashing and burning, and it's about personal growth. Sometimes it's fun, and sometimes it's really really painful.

Slowing down

Last time, I wrote about how I would love to find a way to slow down when life is speeding up around me. I am super happy and proud to report that I did it! In fact, I was sure it had been at least a month since I blogged, and that I'd been off Facebook for several weeks. Turns out I'm ten days short of a month, and my fb hiatus lasted at most a week.

That's how slow I've taking things.

The most wonderful part of all of this, is that it's all in my head. No really, it's all in how I choose to approach the situations in which I find myself. Which means that part of it is actually in my control! What an incredible discovery that was for me.