Martinis - a Family Event

My son has a new obsession: martinis.

Since he was born, he has watched my dad make them, shake them, and enjoy them. When he was about 18 months, he insisted he wanted one. Being the Montessorians that we are, we honoured his desire to be a part of the family, and gave him, in his own little cup, water with a grape in it. Well, that was the biggest thrill.

It has been a while since we had the pleasure of sharing these lovely drinks, and we had all, I thought, put it out of our minds. Out of the blue the other day, he declared that he wants to help my Dad make martinis, and that his will be made of sprite! Ok, it was adorable. What a great way of sneaking pop onto the dinner table.

My Dad agreed, and the next day, it was such a treat. First, Dad makes a seriously mean martini. Second, the "conviviencia" (literally translated as co-living?!?) - the sharing of the experience of these two was amazingly beautiful. So much so that I wanted to share it here.

Choosing a Goal

I started the self-management course last week. But really, it's starting this week. Last week all we did was introduce ourselves. Nothing really all that exciting, interesting or new. Ok, technically, I read 12 new stories. But really, they're all far too similar to mine to feel new.

This week, though, it starts to get interesting. Our readings were about what we're already doing to manage our symptoms, and on how to set an attainable weekly goal. The readings on managing were again nothing new, but very valid. The reading on goal setting, through, that was interesting.

They explain a way of breaking down aspirations into small, manageable pieces that are easy to track. The example they give is this: What you really want overall is more rest. Great. Say that, and see how it goes! Ok, so break it down. The goal is to rest for 30 minutes twice a day every day. And the next part is where it gets really interesting: how confident, from 1 - 10, are you that you can actually do that. Less than 8? Then you're setting your sites too high, and need to adapt your goal. Rest 15 minutes twice a day, or rest once for 30 minutes, or rest twice for 30 minutes two days. Or however you can reimagine it to suit your life. Now are you confident? No? Ok, check out surrounding circumstances. Is there another way of doing it? Is something interfering? Can you change it?  And so on until you are very confident that you can achieve your goal. Next step, write it down, because if you write it down you're more likely to do it, and then tell as many people as you want, because again, that makes you more likely to do it. Track you progress through the week, then finally, write down what you learned through the process.

Rain

Today was grey here. It was dark - at noon, it was darker than it's been at 8:30pm lately.

And then the sky opened up. The rain came down hard and fast. It didn't last long at all, but long enough to nourish the plants, and to make me want something else. What that something else is, I don't know.

I was out there for a few minutes, before it really hit. I've been so desperate to get a little bit of weeding done, so I decided to just go and do it for two minutes. But... I've found a decent compromise - Instead of pulling weeds, I pick the flowers. Less intensive, and less effective, but at least that way they can't spread and ruin the work of the last two summers (Ha! Take that you weedy weeds that are trying to kill my roses!), and on the plus side, I get nice fresh flowers in the house - they really are pretty.

And then the rain came. Hard. I jumped inside - good thing my yard is small - and managed to not get soaked. But I wanted to be out there. It brought back so many memories.

Up Past My Bedtime

It's 1am. I'm not asleep. I'm not even in bed.

I thought I was getting so good at this!

Truth is, lately, I've been having a way harder time disconnecting, and I have no clue what that's about. I can postulate, and guess, and pull something out of the air, but I don't really know why. I guess I will have to bring up at my next therapy session and see what comes up.

But here's my best guess: It's a combination of better energy levels, the time of year, and changing routines. I bet there's something else going on in my subconscious, but who knows.

I'm starting to feel more energetic. Not a lot, but a little. I'm reaching for that functional capacity of 6 on some days. And that makes it harder to not do stuff. It's easier to convince myself to rest when I can't move. My body forces it on me. There's no argument. But lately, I've been in such a good mood, and my son has been amazing, that there's no external signal to stop until it's too late - I've been getting so engrossed in things that I'm forgetting to read my body.

Life Won't Wait - the new Ozzy

I was going to write about something else, but then I heard this new Ozzy song on the radio, and I can't get it out of my head...

Stay strong,
Stay true,
Be brave,
It all comes down to you


Now, I enjoy Ozzy, and listened to some Black Sabbath in my youth, but I don't remember him ever being quite this deep, except when writing about hopelessness and pain. I'm not a follower (didn't even know he had a new album), so what I know of him what shows up in the most mainstream of media - the image of him biting the heads off doves, screaming at Sharon, or playing with his dogs. I know how reality TV is scripted through post production work, so I know the Ozzy we saw in the show wasn't really him, but he was shown as such a messed up, washed up, useless kind of guy whose brain was literally fried, that this song really threw me for a loop. I just frikkin love what he is saying here!

Living in Paradox

I love with my mind
thinking with my heart
I fly when I'm lying down
I'm heavy in flight
lonely in the midst of encounters
entwined with strangers
anonymous confidantes
misunderstood and fully comprehended
wise without knowledge
full of insight and filled with folly
finding meaning in the superficial
depth in the commercial
light in the darkness and darkness in the light
freedom is in the structure that brings release
never seeing what I know
grasping beliefs
the unthought is paramount
my thoughts are unknowable
the unfelt wearing down
demanding to be known
there is
I am
it is
I am

Naturopathic Hope

Today my parents took me to visit my naturopath. She is far more versed in this illness than my GP, which means she has more answers and more resources. It also means that I feel more hopeful when I leave her office, because she is better able to explain the protocols she is using, even though I love my GP and deeply respect her as a doctor and a person.

Here is why I like the naturopath:
She listens.
Her research is very up to date.
She knows who's doing what, and which doctors are doing the most important work.
She believes in focused supplementing, rather than throwing everything at me at once.
She gets it.
She talks to me in ways that I understand, and is totally straight with us.
She is willing to answer every question we can throw at her.

Here's where we're at: it seems that the big focus right now is on the gut. While many of the body's systems are indeed affected, the gut is where the big issue seems to be. It seems that there is a tremendous overgrowth of bacteria in my small intestine which is producing some kind of gas (she did name it, and I promptly forgot the name) which causes the general malaise and - get this - the brain fog. Yes, the brain fog is actually being caused by these little buggers in my gut.